Swimming Lessons

I'm so blessed by my best friend, Amy. I told her of Nam and me crying out to
God (loud enough to rouse Buddy!), "Lord, WHAT are you doing with us!!!!"
referencing our infertiity and the emotional blackhole of this particular IVF
cycle. She gave me some great insight, reminding me about her children's swim
lessons.

Her kids are to hold on to a 12' pole and climb down to the bottom of the pool
to fetch some rings. The point of the exercise is not to get the rings. The
point is to train their breathing under water. To stretch them beyond just
putting their face down in the 2' section of the pool. Obviously, this skill is
necessary for real swimming.

God has taken me to the deep end. Not only do I have to avoid the distractions
swimming around (Satan, fear, flipping out emotions, hormone-induced emotions, the
threat of other people's words, existing other people's words, statistics,
flippant doctors, etc.), but I also have to be clear-minded that my goal is NOT
the rings at the bottom (in my case, a baby). The whole point of being in the
deep end with God is to hang on to Him. To learn to trust Him no matter what.
Afterall, isn't trusting God pretty darn relevent to the Christian life? And,
isn't this something I've prayed to Him about for years and years in response to
the hurt of losing my daddy?

Another reason Amy is so great is because she pointed me back to Scripture.
What a friend! She reminded me that holding an eternal perspective is the
correct worldview. Take a look at Job, she said. He held steadfast to God, all
the while not realizing that he was part of something bigger. Sure wish Job had
Amy instead of the three stooges and a heathen wife!

Similar to Job, I know that I am not being punished by God. I have a pure heart
with Him, seeking Him constantly. I ask Him to show me the places of my heart
that any wicked thing is and to clean it out. He does. I'm not perfect, but I
know that I am submitting to Him.

This is a commentary from my Daily Walk Bible:


"When Job's world came crashing down around him, he no doubt faced anavalanche
of emotional resonses: fear, frustration, anger, bitterness,confusion, and
bewilderment. Unknown to Job, a celestial drama wasunfolding between God and
Satan ...with Job as the center of attention. God was inviting Satan to
observeone of his choicest servants and to discover what a blameless andupright
man looks like - one who holds fast to his integrity. Job'scharacter in the
crucible of adversity was so remarkable that even hiswife found it unbelievable.
(2:9)"



And reading Ch. 16 and 17 in Job, I totally relate to Job's broken heart. I
love that Job sought God in his suffering. Even in the face of ill advice from
friends and his own wife! Could it be that God has a larger plan for ETERNITY
with my suffering in infertility? for ETERNITY!?!

So here's my question: Is God's glory worth my temporal suffering? To me, I
mean...from my perspective? I am devastated and heart-broken. And I don't
ENJOY suffering. I don't long for it and ask God for it. I ask Him for relief;
I ask Him for His plan; I ask Him for children.

I don't know God's plan. He's not giving me answers. I don't have children and
I don't know if I will. But, like Job, I know God. I know His heart. I have
the hope of Christ: that I am incredibly important to my Father and His plan -
even for something so large as eternity - is what is absolutely best for me.
Looking at it that way makes my perspective so small and insignificant. To be
clear, my suffering is not diminished. I hurt. But, knowing my God's character
comforts me. My confidence in Him does not wane.

Is God's glory worth my temporal suffering? If God's glory was worth Calvary,
how could I argue not? And, I feel pretty precious that my Father counts me
worthy to take into the deep end and sanctify me further. He is teaching me,
refining me, and revealing His glory to me. Everything is worth that.

Do you know God's plan for you? He has one; he's always had one. He's just
waiting on you because He loves you. His plan is for you to know His heart. If
you want to know how, please email me. Part of what we've prayed is that
through our infertility suffering, God would paint a portrait of who He is so
that others will see and be drawn to the indescribable beauty He has for all His
creation (that's you!)

*And, God, in case you're reading this: I still want babies!