Day 1
- People who work with other people (especially dealing with ill people) ought to have compassion. Not just good manners - but actual compassion.
- Just because I look sickly does not mean I have no value; it means I'm sick. (also taught me that not all Texans are friendly - well, she's probably not from Texas)
- KNOW YOUR INSURANCE PLAN
- Dr. Timmerman was wearing a western shirt and cowboy boots. Very funny. He didn't praise God when I told him of my recent Thanksgiving gift - weird. I thought he was a Christian. Maybe not.
- My radiation therapists are Jason and Barb. Barb has beautiful eyebrows - like Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon. Jason's wife used to be a teacher before she got to stay home with kids last year. Lucky lady.
- Stella - head Cyberknife guru - wants me to pray for her to have a husband. And, she is a believer - talked about Satan trying to steal our day! Amen, Sister!
- Didn't encounter any patients to encourage today, but I'm on the lookout!
- Radiation was a short 20 minutes - didn't even get halfway done with my intended prayers for that time before it was over.
- Killer head/skull ache because my mask was squishing me so much and bolted down so tight.
- PEE BEFORE RADIOSURGERY!
Day 2
- Show up early to wait in the complimentary valet line.
- Be prepared to sit around sick - very sick - people. They look sick, sound sick, and act sick.
- I asked others in the room if they minded if I turned the tv down - they agreed to turn it off! Great! It was on some disgusting daytime talk show about cheating spouses. Helloooo - we all have enough bluck in our lives! We don't want to sit in that room waiting for cancer treatments and listen to that garbage!
- Think of a conversation starter - today, mine was, "Are you waiting for somebody or are you here for treatment?"
- I met a man who has leukemia, but he's in remission. He was there with his son, Justin, who has a severe form of leukemia, had a transplant, and is experiencing host-graft disease (attacking the transplanted stuff). He was there to get his blood washed by a bright light. Wow! Anyway, it was wonderful and encouraging to talk to him and I told him I'd be praying for Justin and his family. He asked what I was there for and I told him I had a minor thing that needed treatment, but that I really felt like God had me coming here just for this purpose: to talk to people, encourage them, and find out how to pray. He was a neat man.
- Jason, one of my radiation therapists, asked me how I was today. I told him fine, but more importantly, how was HE today? He thought that was funny. He has a 19 month old son and an 8 week old daughter. He and his wife got debt free so that they could afford for her to stay home with the kids. But, they aren't planning on home schooling and she will go back to work when the kids are in school.
- I didn't encounter any meanies today! Yay!
- My head didn't feel as squirshilated. But, I did feel a little dizzy for awhile - I think that's from being in that weird position.
Day 3
- was very tired starting off today - I stayed in bed as long as I could and didn't get to start my day off with Bible time. Yuck.
- Since I drove by myself today, the drive was very quick - about 20 minutes there and 20 back. Awesome!
- Lots of people in the waiting room today - all much older than me. I felt sorry for myself for about 3 minutes until I decided that was ridiculous.
- There was a man in there about 40? and he was in a wheelchair with an eye patch - looks like he is/was fairly athletic. I prayed a lot for him and for his heart to find his strength, confidence, and identity in God - for God to maintain that man's masculinity and his position as head of his household despite his physical impairments.
- I sat and read the first part of Philippians. I recently learned about the 'ladder of abstraction' and I feel pretty good about making a connection with Paul here. He says that everybody in the prison knows that he is in chains for Christ. It is my prayer that everybody who sees me going through this present suffering of lost babies and a brain tumor would know that it is for the sake of God shining through me. Please, Lord, let this be so! Please burst out of me and let others know and see!
- Was so incredibly tired that I fell asleep during the radiation and I also had to sit in the lobby for awhile before I could drive home. We'll see how long this lasts...
- oh, and Jason the radiation therapist told me that he's a night owl and laughed when I said how that doesn't really work for being a grown up, though, does it.
- I went grocery shopping after radiation and thought I was going to pass out in the store. My brain was like mud - seriously, I now understand 'brain fog'. after coming home and lying down a few hours, I feel better. Still letting Nam do the chores, though...
- Stella (my cyberknife guru at the hospital) wants me to go in a few hours earlier tomorrow. I could barely wake up at 11 today - don't know how tomorrow will go.
- Had to go in earlier today - I think it was better than going in the afternoon. I didn't get as tired.
- Jason the radiation therapist is thinking of starting a vegetable garden.
- There was a young couple in the waiting room just clinging to each other. I didn't get to talk to them, but I am praying for them. I don't know their story, but I know it is a yuck place to be.
- All day long, the UPS guy was coming to my house. He kept bringing me tokens of love from around the world - ladies that I've woven a deep intimacy with in our grieving, but I've never actually met. This actually started a week ago. I am overwhelmed by their love and care. This is God, and He is good.
- They were behind today, so I had to wait over an hour. Guess what, though! I got to share the gospel with an older man in the waiting area! I don't know that he was receptive, but he wanted to keep talking about it, so there we go! Praying God will convict his heart with Truth and Love. I was pretty scared to actually even broach the conversation, but I just watched a new Way of the Master this week and Ray's idea of asking, "Do you have a Christian background" really was a good starter!
- Told my RTs that I shared the gospel with that man (Mr. Whiteside). I think they think I'm super weird for doing that. I think it's funny they think it's weird.
- Saw radiology oncologist today and he got really excited again about how elegant my treatment plan is. I really like him (Dr. Timmerman).
Day 6 (Beginning Week 2)
- It took over an hour to drive to radiation today! No more 9 am radiation!
- Saw Dr. Timmerman and we talked about my headaches. He said I am at very high risk for them. He asked a lot of questions and determined that my headache is in my scalp, not brain swelling. This is good news because it means I don't need steroids for it.
- I really like Dr. Timmerman - he is extremely intelligent and also compassionate. He gets excited about treatment because it's cool, but he's not arrogant or prideful. I really really respect him.
- Had my infertility support group tonight - I look forward to every meeting. Sadly, I think I pushed too much by going today. Now I'm tired and my head hurts again.
- For the first time ever in the history of my life I am hoping that school does not close tomorrow because I still have to get up and drive to radiation.
- Nam got to take me today! Yay! The best part was when he turned and took my hand and looked at me with his dreamy eyes and said he was so glad he could go with me. He's perfect.
- But, then all we did was talk and giggle, so I didn't have any encounters with people. Bad me!
- Wore make-up today! Whoa! I felt pretty.
- LOTS of peeps in the waiting room today. Patch man was back in his wheelchair. He's older than I thought last time - maybe mid-fifties. Still prayed for him. He was talking to somebody about politics and I REALLY wanted to join in, but I knew I'd probably get in trouble. I think he's liberal. And, no, none of my prayers were for him to see political truth. hahaha
- The man sitting next to me had really awful gas and I felt so bad for him. But I didn't ever get up and move because I didn't want him to feel worse. It was pretty excruciating.
- I had to remind the girl was it time for Everybody Loves Raymond so that she'd change the channel off the filthy talk show - other people in the room thanked me. That was nice.
- Stella told me that she didn't care where she was in the world, but that if she needed radiation, she'd track down Dr. Timmerman to create her treatment plan. That's neat. I told her how much I like him and appreciate that he's not arrogant. She laughed and said that he raises chickens and nobody who raises chickens can be arrogant. Funny. I think she's right. She also asked if I'd seen Dr. T's favorite belt buckle. She said it's a huge gold thing with his first initial on it and every time he wears it he juts out his waste and says, "Look at my awesome belt buckle!" That's funny. He's a really reserved guy.
- Had a lovely evening snuggled on the bed. We started to watch Pumpkin Chunkin and pups and I all fall asleep laying on Nam. We are so lucky.
- My leg started hurting on the table today - pain started in the middle of my thigh and shooting down to my knee. Feels like somebody kicked me in the knee. Guess i have to tell Dr. T about this tomorrow.
- Woke up in the middle of the night with both legs hurting me, so I feel good it's not a blood clot! I don't think it's radiation related either since it's both legs. I think it's from lying on that dumb table! Time for yoga!
- Today was quick. I think my radiation therapist Jason is a neat guy. He seems timid and unsure of conversation, but maybe that's because I'm a patient...or maybe he's not from Texas.
- I was only in the waiting room for like 30 seconds, but long enough to ask the Lord to cover everybody in there with joy and healing.
- I think today was a day for Justin to come get his blood washed in light for his leukemia, so I'm praying for him, too. He's the son of the dad who I met on the second day I was there.
- Hospital valet workers are awesome - I watch these guys every day run around in the cold AND be kind and compassionate. I think I am going to bake them cookies and write them a card telling them so.
- Heard of a friend who had some misinformation medically today - not from a doctor, just from somebody in passing. I'm so thankful that God has put correct medical info and awesome providers in my life and that He gave me a mom who taught me in the womb how to navigate the culture of the U.S. Medical System. And, I'm so glad God has allowed me to go through the serious medical things I've gone through so that I can be a trustworthy source for other friends.
- I thought a lot about Giuliana Rancic today, too. I love her so much. I feel as though she's been my pal the past few years with IVF and now really with tumor and radiation stuff. Again, I feel akin to her in her decision to have the double mastectomy. They are calling this "radical" surgery for her, just like they did for me to go to Chicago and get my TAC for future babies. It's not "radical" to be your own advocate and take your health care decisions into your own hands after research and consultation. It's not radical to do interventions that preserve life or quality of life. I am praying a lot for the Rancics and I think I am finally going to write her a letter.
- Oh, yeah - my eye hurts a lot today when I look to the left or up. Weird. Wonder if my optic nerve is swelling from the radiation afterall? Will check with oncologist next week, but I think I have to go back to neuro guy sooner than I thought. AND, my eyes are super dry just like neuro told me they would be. It hurts! Artificial Tears, here I come!
- Today the waiting room was FULL FULL. I could only pray for people because nobody spoke English! I tried talking to one couple whose daughter has radiation right before me, but they definitely didn't speak English and they were uncomfortable about it. I felt bad for trying.
- Barb the radiation therapist asked me what I was reading, so I got to tell her about Angie Smith and her book I Will Carry You about carrying her soon-to-die baby. Then, I got to tell her about the book I was reading called What Women Fear - the things that we all fear and how Scripture addresses those. I first asked her if she had heard of Selah, a Christian band - and she thought she had! Wow, is she Christian? I'm going to have to think of a new conversation starter with her. The hard part is that we only have about 60 seconds of conversation from the waiting room to the table.
- I went to the bathroom today AFTER my radiation treatment and noticed that my face has the little diamonds from my mask ALL OVER IT! GREAT! I've been hanging out with the valet guys and other patients and I've had this the whole time! Man! So, new side-effect: reptile face. I wonder if they call me the reptile-face lady.
- Got my Artificial Tears today - Nam has to put the drops in because helloooo...I can't see from that eye!
- Fell into a coma and it was not a "nice nap" - it was an absolutely necessity. I wonder if this is from radiation or something else.
- 2 out of 5 weeks done!
Hello, Week 3!Day 11
- Woke up with a headache. Very upset about the denial of Christ. The worst part is that it reminds me of all the years I denied Christ. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that there are flashes of sin where I do that now. I cannot wait for the glorious day when this sin is stripped from me!
- Was determined to let God work today because it's been such an interesting spiritual weekend - worshipped the heck out of God, prayed and prayed for some friends going through spiritual warfare (guess that put me in the spiritual crossfire!), had "the great FB debate of 2011" on my page where my stance for Christ being it got me stoned and made me cry and cry and my head hurt. So..surely, Satan was attacking for a reason. I was determined to not let it keep me from sharing love and praying for my waiting room buddies today.
- Alas, I was only in the room 30 seconds! Only long enough to talk with a lady about how happy her orange sweater was and what a cheer it was to such a dull unhappy place. I don't even know who else was in the room!
- Did get to share with my RT Stella about my weekend and she is so neat - a strong believer and knows how to encourage! She was definitely a blessing to me today!
- Prayed long and hard on the table today for lots of peeps - and, wahala! had AWESOME life-changing news from one of them tonight! My heart is just bursting for her!
- Found out that Dr. Timmerman's nickname is "bob the builder" because in addition to raising chickens, he also has a huge workshop where he does wood working. Cool!
- when I was leaving radiation, I did see a man from last week and he said hey! and was happy to see me, so that was super nice. I hope I run into him again. He is fairly young and has to carry around an oxygen tank on wheels and he's a very tiny man - almost like he quit growing as a young teenager. He looks very fragile and coughs something awful. He also has a very soft voice. To be honest, he kindof reminds me of Michael Jackson, but I don't want to give him that nickname. Maybe MJ?
- Again, the valet guys are awesome. Today, the guy asked me if I was okay from coughing and was I sick and what could I do and how could he help me do it, etc. He is just lovely! I cannot wait to give them cookies!
- And..now i am sick. I tried calling oncology, but they were unavailable. I can't see my regular doctor til next week. So...off to Doc-n-a-Box. I got the Viet doctor - I love him. He always does a thorough exam, asks lots of questions, asks personal questions (he's a believer and he's trying to feel out if he can share - cool!), and he gave me drugs! Yes!
- Sadly, he also told me I cannot take the drugs until I clear it with my Dr. T, Bob the Builder. Rats.
- I asked him if going under the blanket with the Viet herbs would help and he thought it was neat I knew that and said it would absolutely help.
- So, here it is way past bedtime, and Nam is getting the pot ready for me to inhale under the tent. I love/hate that tent!
- And, i see Dr. T tomorrow so I get to ask about my eye pain.
- Can I say I'm halfway done????? 13 days left! Woo Hoo!
- Today's wait time was ZERO because Barbara saw me in the hallway and took me back! Our conversation today was centered on my coughing. She reassured me that if I could, it will be okay because they are constantly scanning me and adjusting the Cyberknife. Whew! Cuz I am a coughing mess!
- On the table today, I thought a lot about what nonbelievers want in Jesus. In my FB stoning the other day, nobody argued with me and said "Jesus isn't real" or "Jesus isn't God" or even that Jesus wasn't a possibility. Weird. What they did seem to say was that the Jesus they want is to be understanding and accepting. So, my next thought is how understanding and accepting do they want Him to be? To understand and accept denial of His deity and His sacrifice? (of course they want that, that's why they don't like my views on other belief systems to begin with). Do they want Him to accept and understand a murderer? A rapist? A child molester? I mean, do these people not want God to be a God of justice? And, if so, where do they want Him to confine His justice to? Only to things that hurt them directly, but not things that hurt Him? At what point do they want God to draw the line? Of course, God offers a pardon for those sins to anybody who would have it - even to murderers and rapists and child molesters - but it is only through Christ, not through Him just "understanding and accepting." Who could we all trust to say where the line should be drawn - who ought to be brought to justice and who ought to just be "understood and accepted"? The only idea I can come up with is for God Himself to do this (thank Him that is the reality of how it goes). But, who do they all trust to agree upon to create these parameters?
- Another thought I had is I don't understand the acceptance of some parts of the Bible and denial of others. I mean, either we have to believe it is ALL true, or we have to say it is all rubbish. Otherwise, how do we know which to keep and which to throw out?
- Finally, the most confusing thing to me is that Islam (the centre of the discussion) is just as adamant and unmoving in their standards for Paradise as a Christian is for Heaven. They believe one must not only be Muslim, but be a practicing Muslim whose good deeds outweigh the bad in order to go to Paradise. They are very clear that all others - including the bad fire people (can't remember their name - Ji?) - will go to hell. So, why are people okay with Muslims having a clear immovable parameter, but Christians cannot? I feel like this is a really simple observation, so surely I'm missing something. Except, I'm not. And, spiritually, I do understand the persecution of Truth. But, still, in the minds of my persecutors, I don't understand how this exists: permission for one, but not the other. Especially when a main argument was that "whatever faith somebody wants to believe is okay." Apparently not - I'm not allowed to believe Christ. So, those were my thoughts on the table...
- After treatment, Jason and Barbara and I talked about how it would be possible (or impossible) to poison somebody with radiation, and how we would obtain radiation. We talked a lot about spies. It was fun!
- While I was waiting for my car, the valet guys were calling patients by name and asking if they'd see them next week, etc. Whenever the patient would say no, not til January, they would say Merry Christmas and give them a hug! They are so neat! I felt compelled to go tell their boss guy how wonderful and kind and compassionate they are. He said thank you so much and that his team really knows that people don't feel good and they hope they can be somewhat of a bright spot. Wow!
- Drove across campus to go see Dr. Timmerman.
- FIRST, I had to tell the guy I was there. Then, I saw the receptionist who is a believer. So, I told her that I had to tell her about what God did for me with our monetary gift for IVF from total strangers. She was so excited about God's glory! It was wonderful! She came out and gave me a hug. AND, the guy next to her said that he just wanted to say that that is how God is - so surprising and wonderful. It was a really neat impromptu time of praising God. I love how meeting a believer really is like meeting a family member - our hearts just connect and sing!
- I talked to a patient who was waiting there - an elderly lady. We talked about how beautiful the windows were and what a bright spot they were for that building. I think she liked the conversation.
- THEN, I went downstairs to meet with Dr. T. I checked in with a guy who needed to take my vitals. He was so pleasant! I asked him about his Christmas plans and we talked about being a teacher. He was just so nice.
- After that, I talked to the intern Dr. H - he answered most of my questions and also examined a growth on my scalp. He said it's no big deal. He also likened my brain tumor to a mole - he said it's actually the exact same thing. Mine is just problematic because of the location inside my skull that it's at.
- Dr. Timmerman came in next and was so apologetic that I had to wait for him (are you kidding? It was like 10 minutes since I'd arrived at the building and they'd paged him to say I was there!). He also apologized that I had to drive to that building instead of him coming over to me. It wasn't a business apology either - he genuinely seemed pained about it!
- We talked about my eye and he said that yes, the radiation is disturbing stuff and my pain is probably coming from swollen eye muscles. Dr. McHenry will look at the back of my eye and check it out further. He said it may get worse before it gets better, but it will be fine.
- Also got clarification that the blue light I'm seeing during radiation is really NOT a real blue light! What!?! It IS the radiation stimulating my nerve and it makes me see the blue light! Whoa! The same thing goes for the weird smell I notice during treatment.
- We talked about positrons and radiation burn off and stuff. I told him my uncle is a physicist and that we had talked about different things. Dr. Timmerman got REALLY excited and animated at this point. He wanted to talk about it forever, but I don't really understand what he's talking about after the first ten words.
- Dr. Timmerman also told me 4 times that I look great. He said I just look like I'm doing so well and I do not look like one of his patients (how they normally look)
- He asked about fatigue and I told him it is intermittent. He said he doesn't really think it's the radiation at all. He said he could radiate somebody's big toe and they complain of radiation. He said he think's that it's the disruption of routine. He said again how much people love and crave routine. Mmmmm....excellent parenting affirmation! Note to self: make sure future babies are on a routine!
- Then, I left!
- I got to pray for some of the patients I saw in passing who looked pretty awful. I really wish I was brave enough to just walk up to them and say, "Can I pray with you?" I'm open to it, just a little scared. (this from the girl who hands out tracts at the airport while I wait for Nam) That's why I love the Lord, though: He always gives us abundantly what we need to do His work.
- On a different note, our dear friends came and decorated our Christmas tree for us. wow! I lOVE having our tree up, but it is so much work to decorate it and I just haven't had the energy. (I have probably over 300 ornaments to be hung in a particular fashion.) They got it done and it is beautiful! That is such a joy to my heart. And it's a joy to have these dear friends take care of us and meet us in what we need. Oh, and they are so funny. When we told our friends about the whole FB stoning, their response was to pump their fists in joy and say, "Yay! Jewels in Heaven!" They are so cute.
- Oh, and I am STILL getting packages from all over the world from my precious sisters-in-sorrow. They lift my heart up so much with their thoughtfulness and taking the time to send me kind words and treasures. I certainly don't deserve it and they shower me anyway. I love them so!
- OFFICIALLY half-way done! I have more days behind me than ahead of me! Woo Hoo!
- Driving was actually pretty scary today because I was in a group of big trucks and the rainwater kept spraying up so I could hardly see. Geez, I already have a blinding brain tumor; I didn't need rainwater also!
- The valet guys said, "Hi! Look who it is!" They are SO friendly!
- Rode down in the elevator with a dad and son (both adults). They seemed gloomy, so I prayed and hoped I'd get an opportunity to talk with them, but I didn't.
- I asked the lady if it's time for Raymond yet and she said she waits until right at 1 because before that is Family Guy and it's not a good show either. She's so kind and sensitive to not wanting us to sit there watching awful stuff!
- Another lady was in there - she reminded me of a young Nancy Reagan - petite and polished. So, We'll call her Nancy. Anyway, Nancy was drinking the contrast, but she was stressfully looking over files - looks like she brought her entire desk with her. I prayed for her and started to open my book, but I thought no, I came here to talk and she looks like she needs to talk. So, I made conversation with her, but she did NOT want to talk. I got the sense that she is having a really hard time right now with whatever her medical situation is. So, I prayed a lot for her and wished her luck when I left the room.
- And...ANSWERED PRAYER! I've been praying about how to talk with the radiation therapists about the Lord because I only have a 60 second walk with them. Today, Jason asked how I was doing and I said good and asked him if he'd ever read or heard of the book I was reading (The Reason for God by Tim Keller). He hadn't and I said it was a great book. Then I asked if his family was Christian. I twisted the Ray Comfort question of "do you have a Christian background", but I think I maintained the same unintimidating/non-threatening aspect. Anyway, he said yes, but then was sad and hesitated to share, that, well, his mom and his sister he didn't think they were believers, but he and his wife go to church. Cool! So, then i told him all about the book. He said he doesn't get to read much because of his kids - oh yeah, I forgot he had a brand new baby. So...then I started thinking maybe for Christmas instead of just cookies, I could find a book for him about Christ coming at Christmas that has beautiful pictures that he could spend time reading to his kids. But then, I"d have to think of an equally personal gift for Barb and Stella, and I can't think of one. So, i'll pray and see what God says. Might still just be cookies and a tract...
- Prayed a lot during radiation today for all my friends who have heartache and health concerns. Prayed a lot for my family today, too.
- After treatment, I talked to Jason some more about radiation - what it is, how to harness it/create it, and how to manipulate it. We talked about nuclear medicine, but I'm sure not very in-depth. We both just knew the "idea" of what it is. I'm fascinated that we know all of this stuff. I'm even more fascinated at a God who created all of these intricacies! Wow!
- BTW, my radiation is electrically manifested as opposed to like Gamma Ray radiation that is an actual cobalt source that is giving off radiation. Scary! The whole discussion started because I asked how long my actual treatment is and he said it's not measured in time, rather it's 2 grays. I'm sure that's now how you spell a gray.
- The valet guys were wonderful giving me car again - they always have the heater or ac on and hold the door and close me in and tell me to be careful that "it's wet out" or "lots of traffic" or whatever. They are awesome.
- I'm excited about tomorrow because...I'm going to some trivia game with my dad where they are having Biblical trivia. He asked my mom to go, but she has discipleship. So...I'm going! WooHoo! I think it will be fun and I think I have a good chance of knowing the answers. Plus, I like winning. It's not fun if I don't win, right? Anyway, praying that maybe an opportunity will even arise to share the gospel! Nam is going, too. Between the two of us, I think we've got it covered!
- Tonight I am tired. It just hit me when I sat down. Like a mac truck. Maybe it's just the weather. Dr. Timmerman swears that there's nothing about the radiation that makes people tired; he thinks it is just the disruption in schedule. Whatever it is, I'm tired!
- Firstly, I discovered today that if I wear one of those thing little strip headbands then my hair goes from gross & dirty looking to cute & sporty girl looking. Awesome! I'm not washing my hair tomorrow either!
- Did a scan of the waiting room when i checked in then went to the bathroom. Prayed in the bathroom for God to show me who to encourage and what to say.
- There were 3 groups in the waiting room today: a lady with no hair (chemo patient) and her husband, a man by himself enthralled with the Wendy Williams show, and an elderly couple.
- I sat next to the elderly couple and started to open my book. But, instead I just closed my eyes and prayed for everybody. I really wanted to talk to the elderly couple, but I wasn't sure how to get started. Well...God took care of that one!
- Wife said something to husband about coffee, he mumbled back, and they just sat there. So, as weird as this was, I turned to them and asked did they want coffee? I'd be more than happy to get them a cup. She said no and that was it. I thought, well, crap, now what! So, I stuck my hand out and said, "Hi, I'm Kathryn." She smiled and shook my hand and told me she was Shirley. I could tell this was their first time there because they were both so anxious, so I asked if it was her first time and she said yes and told me she's there for a scan, but she'll be starting daily radiation treatment with "Dr. Robert Timmerman" at the first of the year. She has cancer somewhere in the throat/neck region - she just waved, but didn't name the location. I got to share with her how kind and compassionate the medical staff all are and that God had a special hold on her for bringing her to this place. We talked about what radiation is like, and the mask, and the machine, and the side effects. When Jason came to get me, Mrs. Shirley was so much more relaxed! Praise God! Isn't He so good!!!! Way to go, Burt! (though after this, Burt, you may leave and will be of no more help thank you!)
- Jason and I talked about Mrs. Shirley (he doesn't know her, so no HIPPA problems here, folks) on the way back. Barb came out to greet me and we all got settled in!
- I took in a Maroon 5 CD today and told Barb that I was going to listen to my old boyfriend. She thought that was funny and Jason had a weird look on his face. I told Jason it's not weird, that he was probably Barb's old boyfriend, too. She laughed and said Justin Timberlake is her forever sweetheart. Jason thought we were really weird and I told him it's not weird and his wife probably had a boyfriend before she married him, too.
- During radiation today, I prayed a lot for Mrs. Shirley and for Burt to shrink and go away and for my eye sight to come back. And, of course, always praying for special pprom and TAC ladies and their rainbows.
- Another thought I had (been having this a lot lately) is how most people I encounter are pretty wonderful (of course there are always exceptions, but for me they are far and few between). I mean, like go out of their way wonderful and kind and compassionate. Why is this? Am I simply that blessed and that's all I happen to run into? Is it that I live in Texas? Is it because people reciprocate how they're treated? Anyway, I realize how much I like going out and about because I like these random loving interactions with strangers.
- And then, STOP THE PRESSES, Jason initiated a conversation today!!!!! He usually just responds to my zany ideas. But, today, he said, "do you know who Tim Tebow is?" I knew he wanted to talk about his Christianity because why the heck would he bring up football with a girl? So, I told him yes and how much we love him. Then we talked about how awesome it is that he is firm and public with his faith despite the flack he gets. Barb came in then and asked what we were talking about - so I got to tell her about Tim Tebow. Then I said how i don't care about football at all, but it's the same as how i don't care about baseball at all either but I love Josh Hamilton for the same reason. Jason then asked if I had seen his Iamsecond video, which I have, and I got to tell Barb about the website! I am really curious to know if Jason initiated the whole thing so that I would talk to Barb about Christ! Anyway, pray with me for sharing the gospel with Christ!
- I ALSO thought, man, now I could get her a Justin Timberlake magnet or something for Christmas! hahaha That's silly, I know. But, maybe I can start a conversation with her about any books that she may or may not have read like Case for Christ or Mere Christianity - or just kindof gauge what her interest would be and I can find a book for her on it. Come on, God, I need ya to give me opportunity here and show me what to get her! Otherwise, it's cookies and tracts! (which is still great)
- Stopped in the bathroom on the way out and took a picture of my reptilian skin. I'll post it later.
- Valet guy wanted to talk to me about God today, too. He was wearing a ring with either Hebrew writing (like from James Avery) or Elf language writing (like from Lord of the Rings). I don't know which. But, after talking about my book, he wanted to tell me every song lyric he ever knew that was about God/Jesus. They weren't all flattering towards the Lord and some were downright blasphemous. I don't know why he was sharing those. Then he went on to tell me that his dad was a methodist preacher and isn't it odd for me to meet a preacher's kid? Not really....not sure why he asked that. Oh, well. He was excited that my treatment is halfway over. Praying I get more opportunities with him - again, it's only about 2 minutes of time I get.
- Another valet guy finally asked me what was always on my face - did I go in there and fall asleep. Great...that just means that they noticed my face all the time! They probably do call me Reptile Lady! I should've made up a good story about morphing from an X-men back to myself or something. haha
- One more day to go and then I'm 60% complete!
- Fell into a coma tonight; very tired
- Today I talked with Beverly whose fiance was hit by a truck while he was on the side of the road. We got to talk about all of God's blessings along the way of his rehab.
- Jason told me that he showed Barb the Josh Hamilton testimony on I Am Second. Cool! Still praying about how to get a conversation about Christ going with Barb. She did share with me today that she used to think Chelsea Handler was great, but now she is disgusted by her. So at least that shows some sort of heart movement?
- PK Valet guy shared more classic rock Jesus lyrics with me....today he told me it helped him more than reading the Bible. He's an interesting fella...
- Went and picked up my Christmas tracts today. I'm excited to pass them out and include them with the cookies and stuff I give people.
- 3 weeks down, 2 to go! Woo Hoo!
- Oh, and at the recommendation of my aunt, I've started telling Burt what to do. I've thanked him for the opportunities he's afforded me, but told him that his purpose is over and I've told him how to respond to the radiation and to exit my body (which the doctors say won't happen, but I would like it to!). I know it sounds weird, but I've liked doing it because it helps me visualize healing and offer it up to the Lord in very specific requests. Of course I don't think I can personally cause the change, but I know that my God can if He finds it best to do so.
Day 5 million
- Darn tired. I'm getting tired faster. Went to a Christmas gathering Saturday night, and I still haven't recovered. Must slow down.
- Head hurt five hundred times worse today than ever...and had no advil with me. Ugh.
- Saw other doctor today - Dr. McHenry my neural opthamologist. He said my optic nerve is looking better...This was not expected, though definitely prayed for. Thank you, Lord.
- Tired.
- This week has dripped by - I simply could not lift a finger to type.
- I gave the valet guys their cookies with a bunch of tracts in there...since then the head guy has quite telling me classic rock lyrics that go against the Bible. So at least there's that. Maybe conviction of the heart has stilled his mouth? I love how Ray Comfort explains that in Way of the Master. Or, maybe he's just being polite. Or he ran out of lyrics.
- Nam has been driving me to and from this week, and I've loved that. The only problem is that I end up being more involved in talking with him or resting on his shoulder than I do about looking for opportunities to encourage people. But, I've been so tired that it's probably a good thing he's been there. Gotta refocus for next week to finish strong!
- Guess what...found the perfect book for Barb! I Am Second published a book! Yay! And I got Jason a little board book that tells the story of Christmas. I couldn't believe that out of all the billiion children's Christmas books, they only had 3 that were about Christ. And at that, the point of one was to say why we give gifts and the point of another was to say that babies are special, but didn't spell out who Jesus was. Sigh.
- House is filthy. F-I-L-T-H-Y. Poor Nam. He's tried so hard, but...well...I just keep making more messes. Then I'm too tired to clean up!
- My comas are getting longer and I'm more tired when I wake up.
- Thinking about going anywhere to do anything is exhausting.
- Was really tired today. Nam wasn't able to drive me, but that will have to not happen again. I am now needing him every day; this is exhausting.
- Gave my little gift bag of cookies and Christmas tracts to the receptionist who minds the tellie for me and told her thank you so much for her kindness. She was surprised and delighted. Thank you, God!
- Only saw Jason and asked if he'd be my Christmas elf and distribute the other gifts. Of course he was agreeable. He really appreciated his little goodie bag and said thank you so much for the little board book about Christmas I got for he and his wife to read to their kids - he said how much his son absolutely loves books and bedtime stories. I'm so glad; I hope they read it this very night!
- The valet guys call me "Christmas Lady" now, but I'm not sure why. It's definitely not that I gave them cookies - apparently everybody does that. They are so funny.
- Since really the only driving I've done is to radiation, I've become very accustomed to my valet guys. This is not so good. When I went to the store earlier today, I parked the car and started to talk in: I had left the keys in the ignition and the car running. As if. Good grief!
- I'm also accustomed to going to the bathroom after radiation in the exact same stall. In fact, it's the only stall I've ever used. Well, today somebody was in MY stall! I seriously for like 1/2 a second almost knocked and said, "Excuse me, you're in my stall!" What the heck is wrong with me!?! It wasn't a mean thing; it was just a habit thing.
- No radiation Monday, thank God! I'm so tired!
- Thinking of all the Christmas get togethers coming up wears me out. I don't know how I'll make it all around, but I know God will sustain me - or tell me to stay home!
- Got to pray for several people in the waiting room today, but I'm too tired to list them.
- So nice having yesterday off! But, back at it today.
- The receptionist said that the cookies I gave her were wonderful; I'm glad. I hope she got to read the tracts I gave about Christmas, too.
- Prayed for one man in the waiting area today - he was all alone. He didn't seem to feel ill, so I'm glad for that.
- Also prayed for a lady and her mother coming in as I left. I was struck by how incredibly beautiful this elderly lady was - her features were so distinct. I actually wondered if she used to be a performer or Hollywood starlet. Anyway, I think it was their first time there by the stuff they were carrying and the questions they asked. So, praying for her.
- Jason is so nice and I've come to really like our 60 second walk-and-talks. He had a good Christmas and I'm really glad for him and his family.
- Had scattered prayers and thoughts on the table today - lots of people to pray for.
- Had to go talk with oncologist after treatment today, but Dr. T is out this week, so I met with Dr. Ramsey. He was so interesting. He said three really cool things: 1) It's all up to God, 2) Dr. Timmerman is the absolute best radiation oncologist in the entire country, and 3) HE KNEW ABOUT THE TAC.
- So, the last statement bears explanation: He works mostly with the gynecological cancer patients, so he knows all about it. He said that he was really glad I had a TAC because "the tvcs [vaginal cerclages] fail". THANK YOU. Why the heck does an oncologist know this, but OBs who are delivering dead or severely premature babies won't get on board????
- Also of note today was that the nurse was reviewing my medications and allergies and they STILL don't have it correct! I give them a 5 page detailed medical history at the beginning of every new thing. The doctors love it. But every single week, they have medications I've never heard of listed as me taking, they don't have medications I am taking. They have major allergies (like, hello, I go into kidney failure if I have that drug!) listed as a "hypersensitivity" instead of an allergy.
- This is incredibly frustrating. I am my own health advocate; I call the shots and I make sure the correct information is known. WHY AM I STILL FALLING THROUGH THE CRACKS HERE? More importantly, what about the patients who don't know how to navigate the modern medical culture? Like my poor grandfather who is lying in the hospital right now with a broken femur head not being given pain medication for an entire night despite doctors' orders for him to get it?
- Please, please, please know that you do NOT have to be a doctor or a brilliant person in order to be your own health advocate! It is YOUR body, YOUR health, YOUR life - YOU get to decide what type of treatment and information you have! You do not just have to be a pinball shot through the medical machine to land wherever. And, you are a PERSON of VALUE and deserve acknowledgment, compassion, and dignity from medical staff! This is my experience 99% of the time, but I don't see it with everybody. And, I don't know if it's because of my initial approach or what. So, take no chances - make it your initial approach! This could cost your life - I can think of 3 immediate family members who passed away because they fell through the medical cracks - no other reason. Please take charge of your own health.
- And...my house is filthy. There is stuff EVERYWHERE. It is so disgusting, I am going to have to clean it in layers - not rooms, LAYERS.
- I am also getting sad about going back to work. BLEH....I love being home!
- Tired
- Sad that Jason is taking vacation next week, so I won't get to see him on my last day. :(
- Today, the Valet guy told me, "Buckle up - show the world you care by the belt you wear."
- Stayed up super late last night sewing Mama's birthday present! It's so great! BUT, that meant I was LATE to radiation! Yikes! I had to call Jason and tell him I was running 15 minutes behind. How embarrassing! Even worse because I know he knows it's because I stayed up late!
- They have USA Today in the waiting room and Nam reads it everyday. And he sits there and shakes his head and laughs at it. I don't know if it is an entirely liberal paper because I haven't read the whole thing, but the articles he shows me have some really dumb things in them. Could just be those particular stories are dumb. Anyway, this took up our waiting room time today.
- Admitted to Jason why I was late - so embarrassing! Oh, well. He said maybe I should start getting back on a schedule now so it won't be a jolt for going back to work. That's a good idea, but I never do that...it'll be a couple days of misery at school.
- While I was on the table today, I was thinking how could I possibly thank Jason for his kindness during my treatment. I thought maybe a gift card for him and his wife - I know what it's like to be in the family with a medical provider and it can be rough! Emotions come home, emergencies arise, long work days, etc. Plus, his wife is home with kids all day (which I know is a dream), so I'm sure she gets flustered in her heart when he has to stay later than planned. Anyway...thought maybe something adult would be good for them. So, I prayed about it on the table and asked God to show me if He wants us to do something like that for them.
- Guess what!?! quick answer! I asked Jason if they have plans for his vacation next week and he said it's his wife's birthday and they are going to a fancy restaurant they have a gift card to, but the gift card doesn't cover the whole thing so they are going to lunch (cheaper) and will have to pay the rest. Then, since both grandmothers are here, they may go out to a movie (not Muppets - they need grown-up stuff. He said they are full of The Wiggles and Yo Gaba Gaba all day). He's a pretty funny guy. Anyway...took that as a confirmation from God that the idea is as good one! So, a little gift card just for some dessert will do the trick. I hope his wife likes it and knows how much of an impact her hubby makes in his patients' stress levels.
- Valet guy didn't talk to me today, though he talked to Nam before I got out there. Nam can't remember what they discussed...he said maybe the weather. What a guy.
- I also realised that I'm going to be sad when my treatment is over! WOW! What a God thing! Who could take having to go to radiation every day for a brain tumor and turn it into something joyful? Only the Lord! I'm not going to miss dealing with Burt, of course...but I'm going to miss my little drive out there - it's nice. I'll miss my valet buddies, the receptionist, seeing the other patients and praying for them and encouraging them. I'll miss my walk-and-talks with the RTs. And, really, being on the table has become a pretty darn good prayer and relaxation time. Plus, this has been such a neat time to spend with my husband the past couple of weeks. So, again, WOW, way to go, Lord!
- Well, my head valet guy is on vacation! I didn't even get to say bye to him! Darn! But, the other kid is heading it up and he's awesome. Nam is going to hook him up withe one of his buddies who owns valet companies and get him additional work. I love my husband!
- Waiting room was quiet today, but there was an older couple in there with really weird socks. This man in his 70s was wearing striped fluorescent colored socks that look like they should be on a tweenager! They were both very engaged in their newspaper.
- An older man came in with a cane and his daughter. He seemed very tired and was complaining of all the xrays they've done on him. I prayed for him to have physical healing and a peace in his heart. Also prayed for his daughter to not be frustrated or have anxiety over watching her dad be upset. Caretakers are so often overlooked!
- I got to see Barb today! Yay! I didn't think I'd see her again. She thanked me for the book and said she'd read some of it! Cool!!!! Glad she got to go home to Nebraska for Christmas. I hope she had a good time. I wonder if she notices a culture difference. I don't know how long she's been in Texas, though...
- Nam came out and thanked Jason and Barb for their care for me and making me at east and comfortable. Told them how much he really appreciated it. I love him. He's such a standup guy with a heart like the Lord's! He always sings that song "Give me your eyes, so I can see" and I always think how he's already got them!
- On the table today, I had to pee so bad! I almost had to wave my hand around for them to stop the machine, but then I heard it whoosh really fast, which means that I'm almost done. But I couldn't wait to gather my stuff either; I had to bolt it to the bathroom. It was tortuous!
- Sad that it was my last day with Jason AND Barb! Man! I know it's so dorky, but I called them after and told them to FB me so we could stay in touch. That probably violates some ethical something or other, but they are so great and I am awesome, so it'd be nice to stay in touch!
- I'd really like to go into the medical field one day (yes, I know I say this all the time for the past five million years). Found out from my cousin this week that UTA has an online nursing school. I could totally do that. But, do I want nursing? Of course I'd love to be a doctor and I'm plenty smart enough, but I don't really want to go to school that long right now. Respiratory therapist? They don't deal with the south end, so that's nice. Nam said if I go back and need to take my sciences over again (of course I would) that he'd audit and do it with me. How fun! I'd totally kick his butt! Anyway, always thinking...
- All over with, Folks! Wasn't God good!?!
- Nam shared job info with his favorite valet guys. I hope it works out for them!
- In the waiting room, I gave little cards with notes of encouragement to patients I've prayed for the whole time - they weren't there, so I gave them to the receptionist. I gave one to her, too. She's so kind!
- I had a whole new RT today named Haley - never met her before, but she was very nice.
- Even though I went pee before therapy, about halfway through, I had to go again. Yikes! I tried waving my hand around (though I have to keep it down by my side so it doesn't get radiated), but she never saw it. I thought my bladder was going to explode - plus, it gets really painful with my cerclage. So, once she came in and took my mask off, I had to bolt to the bathroom in just my socks!
- Then, I saw Stella. She told me that was it, but I said I wanted to ask Dr. T a few last questions - so over to the Moncrief Building I went. I gave a thank you card to the receptionists at the front desk, too, because they are so wonderful.
- They took just my vitals today - no nursing assessment. Good.
- Then I had to wait forever. After 40 minutes, I went out and asked if Dr. T even knew I was waiting for him. They said they didn't know, but they'd page him. Really?
- Awhile later, Dr. T came in. He congratulated me on being done. That was nice. He seemed very enthusiastic for me.
- I got to ask him my questions. A couple of important things:
- I need follow up every 3 months for the first year and a half. Then it goes down to 6 months and then yearly after 3 years. I must have follow up for at least 10 years, though they'd like to follow me forever. (I think that's for them, though, not for me)
- He does not want me moving overseas (like, no mission work) until my follow ups are spaced out yearly. And, then, I must come back to the U.S. for my follow-ups. He said having the Chinese doctors evaluate me would be like comparing apples and oranges. I thought that was pretty interesting.
- He said we can start trying to conceive in March! Woo Hoo! He's not basing it on any study, but just intuition. If there was catastrophic damage to my eggs from scatter radiation, then too bad, so sad. No babies. If there was just subtle damage, then there is the possibility that the eggs could repair themselves. He said all of that is "theoretical" but just wait a couple of months.
- Then, gave Dr. T a thank you card and that's it!
- Follow up with my neuro opthamologist Dr. McHenry every month and I'll see Dr. T in 3 months for an MRI.
- He said he doesn't think I'm a "ticking time bomb" and the goal of his treatment was to stop Burt from growing and preserve my right eye's vision and he thinks we've done it and I don't have to deal with this anymore the rest of my life.
- To see my concluding thoughts, please read "Final Reflections: Radiation"
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