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Final Reflections: Radiation

Final Reflections

• Medically, be your own healthcare advocate. Ask questions. Have a friend go who can write down the answers. Have a copy of all of your medical records. Research various options - you always have options even if one of them is to do nothing. Make sure you understand EVERYTHING they are doing to you and giving you and why they are asking you that. I already knew this stuff thanks to my brilliant mom, but it sure came to the forefront in this whole ordeal.

• One of the reasons I love the medical field is because people don't feel good. Their pretenses are down. They are in a state of wanting to be serious and reflective about life and suffering and purpose. They are more apt to dispense with the trivialities and be open to compassion and encouragement and Truth. If you have this compassion and encouragement and Truth, perhaps God could use you in this field.

• I feel like I really need to emphasize that not only is Dr. Timmerman brilliant, but his intelligence is matched by his kindness and humility. While this seems to be the case with all of my current physicians, I realize this is extremely rare. Jesus said that it was harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Of course, material wealth and the comfort that goes with that can be a huge stumbling block. I wonder how intelligence in today's culture compares to that. It breeds a self-reliance that seems to be void of the need for God. Oftentimes that intelligence festers into pride and arrogance and there becomes a crust around the heart. Humility to self-examine without justifying sin is simply gone. Because of this, I am more fascinated and appreciative of Dr. Timmerman than I think he will know. The kindness and compassion he exhibited is incompatible with a crusty, festering heart.

• The Lord was so good through this whole thing. On paper, saying I have a brain tumor sounds awful. In reality, it was a breeze for me and Nam and I had peace the whole time. We decided early on that we wanted this to be a way of serving the Lord and let Him do with it what He would. As always, He was faithful.

• I think I encouraged some patients and I certainly loved my peek into this vein of the medical industry. More importantly, God certainly increased my compassion and gentleness. And that is worth so much!

Nam and I were reading in Philippians earlier today and I had some thoughts on a few verses:

1. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - The Lord will not abandon me. Ever. And, He is doing something in me! There is a PURPOSE for where I am and what I'm going through - good and bad. I can trust the Lord in this whether I see that purpose immediately or not. If I've learned nothing else this past year, I've learned this.
2. "What has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." - Yes, I was able to share the gospel. I think that I have been able to live the gospel. Better yet, I know that the Lord will continue to use this in other people's hearts and in MY heart for eternity.
3. "Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly." - I stumbled here, and Nam was adamant that I should not. He told me that I have encouraged him to be more bold in speaking about Christ. He said he thought it was unbelievable to see the ease that I approached people with to show concern, give encouragement, and share Christ. That's really something because I don't think it was easy at all - I always felt awkward and scared and feel like I fumble, but I want to serve the Lord and let Him go through me, so I did it anyway. It's neat to see that from an outsider's perspective, the Lord was there making it look graceful! And, courageous? There is a cost to sharing the gospel. There is a cost to following Christ. Sometimes the cost is looking stupid to naysayers. Sometimes the cost is verbal persecution and character slander. Sometimes the cost is a job (thinking of Professor Paul D. here). Sometimes the cost is a life (support Voice of the Martyrs). Slowly but surely, the Lord is making me more courageous. He is opening my eyes more and more to the cost of NOT following Him and my heart aches to the point that being scared of losing my own life is diminished. Not gone, but diminished. And surely that's moving towards the goal: "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him." That is the intimacy this side of death.
4. "For I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance." - YES! The POWER OF PRAYER! That has sustained Nam and me in the darkest hours and certainly the prayers of the saints (my dear brothers and sisters) have elevated us to the joy we've had this entire time. And, even if I can't see it now, I KNOW I can trust the Lord to use this for my transformation. He IS trustworthy and He IS loving and He cannot be anything but! Though my time in radiation is done, I do not want to stop learning from this. I want to look back year after year and see new ways I had missed that God's hand was all over this.
5. "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life - in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing." - Surely I complain and argue, but in this thing, I did not. That's a huge work of the Holy Spirit right there! But, the cool thing is how that has proved Scripture! Because in this thing, I have been told that my attitude on it has impacted others. I want to do this. I want the Lord to shine through me so that when others see a difference, when they see light, I can point to the God of Glory and say here, you can have it, too! And, yes, I want to know that I am not striving for the Lord in vain. What will the Bema seat show!
6. "And I am confident in the Lord that I myself will come soon." - Paul was in chains when he wrote this! It was not his confidence in the guards, the government, or himself that he thought he may be with them. It was in Christ! It is this confidence that I can take to any situation and know that God has His best for me. I never have to question that, and that was the initial hump to get over at the beginning of all of this. Yet, in Christ I trusted, and He delivered...yes, health, but more importantly, peace.
7. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - the goal is not Burt's death, vision, health, children, or any other thing. The goal is simply Christ Himself. And I have Him now. I gain Him more every day. I will have Him wholly as my life continues after the body fails. This is the prize, this is the goal, and it is more indescribable every single day. I can only imagine...
8. I feel it's probably pretty important to note here that Paul gives us a formula for peace: "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." How to have peace? Rejoice in who God is, Let God in you be evident, Cast your anxiety onto the Lord in prayer and ask Him for what you want, being thankful for ALL things - even the difficult things (after all, He's got a plan to work it out!). For me, the key to figuring this out was the being thankful part. How can I be thankful for dead sons? How can I be thankful for a brain tumor? It is a challenge. But, I realized, besides various aspects I could thank God for, I could thank Him for the whole thing because it would somehow serve for His glory and His purpose, and by the way, Lord, would you let me be a part of that even in this difficult thing?
9. "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" - I don't have to do it of my own strength; I am sure I can't. I just have to rely on the Lord and seek how He would have me go. First, through His word, and second, through His Holy Spirit residing in my heart. I start with confession - agreeing with God on the condition of my heart - ask Him to wash it away and renew me. Then, I pour out my heart of the hard things ahead and ask Him to pedal. He does it every time.
10. "And my God will meet all your (my) needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." - It's about Christ. Whatever the question is, Christ is the answer. Whatever the need is, Christ is the way. My life has proven this over and over again. Tis so sweet..

I praise God for directing this entire thing, and I thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. I continue to be overwhelmed and unable to express my gratitude to my sisters-in-sorrow for their outstretched arms from around the world. While I know we miss our children, surely what you have given me is the reciprocal of that hurt.



With this ordeal concluded, Nam and I are moving Beyond This Desert...for God has more.

Radiation Ramblings

Today I started radiation for Burt, my brain tumor. He isn't actually going away - just being castrated so he can't reproduce anymore and cause further problems. The treatment is considered to be 100% successful; they won't even check me again for six months! As usual, I want to make sure I'm not missing something in all of this. God is allowing me to be in this place at this time, so I want to keep my eyes peeled! If He could come to the earth in human flesh, take on sin, and die a tortuous death just to have a relationship with us, then I know it's not any big deal for Him to allow me to have Burt so that I can be in the place where people often need encouragement: an oncology waiting room. That's pretty much it for deep thoughts so far. Anyway, here we go...thoughts from each day (there will be 25).

Day 1

• People who work with other people (especially dealing with ill people) ought to have compassion. Not just good manners - but actual compassion.
• Just because I look sickly does not mean I have no value; it means I'm sick. (also taught me that not all Texans are friendly - well, she's probably not from Texas)
• KNOW YOUR INSURANCE PLAN
• Dr. Timmerman was wearing a western shirt and cowboy boots. Very funny. He didn't praise God when I told him of my recent Thanksgiving gift - weird. I thought he was a Christian. Maybe not.
• My radiation therapists are Jason and Barb. Barb has beautiful eyebrows - like Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon. Jason's wife used to be a teacher before she got to stay home with kids last year. Lucky lady.
• Stella - head Cyberknife guru - wants me to pray for her to have a husband. And, she is a believer - talked about Satan trying to steal our day! Amen, Sister!
• Didn't encounter any patients to encourage today, but I'm on the lookout!
• Radiation was a short 20 minutes - didn't even get halfway done with my intended prayers for that time before it was over.
• Killer head/skull ache because my mask was squishing me so much and bolted down so tight.
• PEE BEFORE RADIOSURGERY!

Day 2

• Show up early to wait in the complimentary valet line.
• Be prepared to sit around sick - very sick - people. They look sick, sound sick, and act sick.
• I asked others in the room if they minded if I turned the tv down - they agreed to turn it off! Great! It was on some disgusting daytime talk show about cheating spouses. Helloooo - we all have enough bluck in our lives! We don't want to sit in that room waiting for cancer treatments and listen to that garbage!
• Think of a conversation starter - today, mine was, "Are you waiting for somebody or are you here for treatment?"
• I met a man who has leukemia, but he's in remission. He was there with his son, Justin, who has a severe form of leukemia, had a transplant, and is experiencing host-graft disease (attacking the transplanted stuff). He was there to get his blood washed by a bright light. Wow! Anyway, it was wonderful and encouraging to talk to him and I told him I'd be praying for Justin and his family. He asked what I was there for and I told him I had a minor thing that needed treatment, but that I really felt like God had me coming here just for this purpose: to talk to people, encourage them, and find out how to pray. He was a neat man.
• Jason, one of my radiation therapists, asked me how I was today. I told him fine, but more importantly, how was HE today? He thought that was funny. He has a 19 month old son and an 8 week old daughter. He and his wife got debt free so that they could afford for her to stay home with the kids. But, they aren't planning on home schooling and she will go back to work when the kids are in school.
• I didn't encounter any meanies today! Yay!
• My head didn't feel as squirshilated. But, I did feel a little dizzy for awhile - I think that's from being in that weird position.

Day 3

• was very tired starting off today - I stayed in bed as long as I could and didn't get to start my day off with Bible time. Yuck.
• Since I drove by myself today, the drive was very quick - about 20 minutes there and 20 back. Awesome!
• Lots of people in the waiting room today - all much older than me. I felt sorry for myself for about 3 minutes until I decided that was ridiculous.
• There was a man in there about 40? and he was in a wheelchair with an eye patch - looks like he is/was fairly athletic. I prayed a lot for him and for his heart to find his strength, confidence, and identity in God - for God to maintain that man's masculinity and his position as head of his household despite his physical impairments.
• I sat and read the first part of Philippians. I recently learned about the 'ladder of abstraction' and I feel pretty good about making a connection with Paul here. He says that everybody in the prison knows that he is in chains for Christ. It is my prayer that everybody who sees me going through this present suffering of lost babies and a brain tumor would know that it is for the sake of God shining through me. Please, Lord, let this be so! Please burst out of me and let others know and see!
• Was so incredibly tired that I fell asleep during the radiation and I also had to sit in the lobby for awhile before I could drive home. We'll see how long this lasts...
• oh, and Jason the radiation therapist told me that he's a night owl and laughed when I said how that doesn't really work for being a grown up, though, does it.
• I went grocery shopping after radiation and thought I was going to pass out in the store. My brain was like mud - seriously, I now understand 'brain fog'. after coming home and lying down a few hours, I feel better. Still letting Nam do the chores, though...
• Stella (my cyberknife guru at the hospital) wants me to go in a few hours earlier tomorrow. I could barely wake up at 11 today - don't know how tomorrow will go.

Day 4

• Had to go in earlier today - I think it was better than going in the afternoon. I didn't get as tired.
• Jason the radiation therapist is thinking of starting a vegetable garden.
• There was a young couple in the waiting room just clinging to each other. I didn't get to talk to them, but I am praying for them. I don't know their story, but I know it is a yuck place to be.
• All day long, the UPS guy was coming to my house. He kept bringing me tokens of love from around the world - ladies that I've woven a deep intimacy with in our grieving, but I've never actually met. This actually started a week ago. I am overwhelmed by their love and care. This is God, and He is good.

Day 5

• They were behind today, so I had to wait over an hour. Guess what, though! I got to share the gospel with an older man in the waiting area! I don't know that he was receptive, but he wanted to keep talking about it, so there we go! Praying God will convict his heart with Truth and Love. I was pretty scared to actually even broach the conversation, but I just watched a new Way of the Master this week and Ray's idea of asking, "Do you have a Christian background" really was a good starter!
• Told my RTs that I shared the gospel with that man (Mr. Whiteside). I think they think I'm super weird for doing that. I think it's funny they think it's weird.
• Saw radiology oncologist today and he got really excited again about how elegant my treatment plan is. I really like him (Dr. Timmerman).

Day 6 (Beginning Week 2)

• It took over an hour to drive to radiation today! No more 9 am radiation!
• Saw Dr. Timmerman and we talked about my headaches. He said I am at very high risk for them. He asked a lot of questions and determined that my headache is in my scalp, not brain swelling. This is good news because it means I don't need steroids for it.
• I really like Dr. Timmerman - he is extremely intelligent and also compassionate. He gets excited about treatment because it's cool, but he's not arrogant or prideful. I really really respect him.
• Had my infertility support group tonight - I look forward to every meeting. Sadly, I think I pushed too much by going today. Now I'm tired and my head hurts again.
• For the first time ever in the history of my life I am hoping that school does not close tomorrow because I still have to get up and drive to radiation.

Day 7

• Nam got to take me today! Yay! The best part was when he turned and took my hand and looked at me with his dreamy eyes and said he was so glad he could go with me. He's perfect.
• But, then all we did was talk and giggle, so I didn't have any encounters with people. Bad me!

Day 8

• Wore make-up today! Whoa! I felt pretty.
• LOTS of peeps in the waiting room today. Patch man was back in his wheelchair. He's older than I thought last time - maybe mid-fifties. Still prayed for him. He was talking to somebody about politics and I REALLY wanted to join in, but I knew I'd probably get in trouble. I think he's liberal. And, no, none of my prayers were for him to see political truth. hahaha
• The man sitting next to me had really awful gas and I felt so bad for him. But I didn't ever get up and move because I didn't want him to feel worse. It was pretty excruciating.
• I had to remind the girl was it time for Everybody Loves Raymond so that she'd change the channel off the filthy talk show - other people in the room thanked me. That was nice.
• Stella told me that she didn't care where she was in the world, but that if she needed radiation, she'd track down Dr. Timmerman to create her treatment plan. That's neat. I told her how much I like him and appreciate that he's not arrogant. She laughed and said that he raises chickens and nobody who raises chickens can be arrogant. Funny. I think she's right. She also asked if I'd seen Dr. T's favorite belt buckle. She said it's a huge gold thing with his first initial on it and every time he wears it he juts out his waste and says, "Look at my awesome belt buckle!" That's funny. He's a really reserved guy.
• Had a lovely evening snuggled on the bed. We started to watch Pumpkin Chunkin and pups and I all fall asleep laying on Nam. We are so lucky.
• My leg started hurting on the table today - pain started in the middle of my thigh and shooting down to my knee. Feels like somebody kicked me in the knee. Guess i have to tell Dr. T about this tomorrow.

Day 9? I can't keep up!

• Woke up in the middle of the night with both legs hurting me, so I feel good it's not a blood clot! I don't think it's radiation related either since it's both legs. I think it's from lying on that dumb table! Time for yoga!
• Today was quick. I think my radiation therapist Jason is a neat guy. He seems timid and unsure of conversation, but maybe that's because I'm a patient...or maybe he's not from Texas.
• I was only in the waiting room for like 30 seconds, but long enough to ask the Lord to cover everybody in there with joy and healing.
• I think today was a day for Justin to come get his blood washed in light for his leukemia, so I'm praying for him, too. He's the son of the dad who I met on the second day I was there.
• Hospital valet workers are awesome - I watch these guys every day run around in the cold AND be kind and compassionate. I think I am going to bake them cookies and write them a card telling them so.
• Heard of a friend who had some misinformation medically today - not from a doctor, just from somebody in passing. I'm so thankful that God has put correct medical info and awesome providers in my life and that He gave me a mom who taught me in the womb how to navigate the culture of the U.S. Medical System. And, I'm so glad God has allowed me to go through the serious medical things I've gone through so that I can be a trustworthy source for other friends.
• I thought a lot about Giuliana Rancic today, too. I love her so much. I feel as though she's been my pal the past few years with IVF and now really with tumor and radiation stuff. Again, I feel akin to her in her decision to have the double mastectomy. They are calling this "radical" surgery for her, just like they did for me to go to Chicago and get my TAC for future babies. It's not "radical" to be your own advocate and take your health care decisions into your own hands after research and consultation. It's not radical to do interventions that preserve life or quality of life. I am praying a lot for the Rancics and I think I am finally going to write her a letter.
• Oh, yeah - my eye hurts a lot today when I look to the left or up. Weird. Wonder if my optic nerve is swelling from the radiation afterall? Will check with oncologist next week, but I think I have to go back to neuro guy sooner than I thought. AND, my eyes are super dry just like neuro told me they would be. It hurts! Artificial Tears, here I come!

Day 10

• Today the waiting room was FULL FULL. I could only pray for people because nobody spoke English! I tried talking to one couple whose daughter has radiation right before me, but they definitely didn't speak English and they were uncomfortable about it. I felt bad for trying.
• Barb the radiation therapist asked me what I was reading, so I got to tell her about Angie Smith and her book I Will Carry You about carrying her soon-to-die baby. Then, I got to tell her about the book I was reading called What Women Fear - the things that we all fear and how Scripture addresses those. I first asked her if she had heard of Selah, a Christian band - and she thought she had! Wow, is she Christian? I'm going to have to think of a new conversation starter with her. The hard part is that we only have about 60 seconds of conversation from the waiting room to the table.
• I went to the bathroom today AFTER my radiation treatment and noticed that my face has the little diamonds from my mask ALL OVER IT! GREAT! I've been hanging out with the valet guys and other patients and I've had this the whole time! Man! So, new side-effect: reptile face. I wonder if they call me the reptile-face lady.
• Got my Artificial Tears today - Nam has to put the drops in because helloooo...I can't see from that eye!
• Fell into a coma and it was not a "nice nap" - it was an absolutely necessity. I wonder if this is from radiation or something else.
• 2 out of 5 weeks done!

Hello, Week 3!Day 11

• Woke up with a headache. Very upset about the denial of Christ. The worst part is that it reminds me of all the years I denied Christ. I hate that I ever did that. I hate that there are flashes of sin where I do that now. I cannot wait for the glorious day when this sin is stripped from me!
• Was determined to let God work today because it's been such an interesting spiritual weekend - worshipped the heck out of God, prayed and prayed for some friends going through spiritual warfare (guess that put me in the spiritual crossfire!), had "the great FB debate of 2011" on my page where my stance for Christ being it got me stoned and made me cry and cry and my head hurt. So..surely, Satan was attacking for a reason. I was determined to not let it keep me from sharing love and praying for my waiting room buddies today.
• Alas, I was only in the room 30 seconds! Only long enough to talk with a lady about how happy her orange sweater was and what a cheer it was to such a dull unhappy place. I don't even know who else was in the room!
• Did get to share with my RT Stella about my weekend and she is so neat - a strong believer and knows how to encourage! She was definitely a blessing to me today!
• Prayed long and hard on the table today for lots of peeps - and, wahala! had AWESOME life-changing news from one of them tonight! My heart is just bursting for her!
• Found out that Dr. Timmerman's nickname is "bob the builder" because in addition to raising chickens, he also has a huge workshop where he does wood working. Cool!
• when I was leaving radiation, I did see a man from last week and he said hey! and was happy to see me, so that was super nice. I hope I run into him again. He is fairly young and has to carry around an oxygen tank on wheels and he's a very tiny man - almost like he quit growing as a young teenager. He looks very fragile and coughs something awful. He also has a very soft voice. To be honest, he kindof reminds me of Michael Jackson, but I don't want to give him that nickname. Maybe MJ?
• Again, the valet guys are awesome. Today, the guy asked me if I was okay from coughing and was I sick and what could I do and how could he help me do it, etc. He is just lovely! I cannot wait to give them cookies!
• And..now i am sick. I tried calling oncology, but they were unavailable. I can't see my regular doctor til next week. So...off to Doc-n-a-Box. I got the Viet doctor - I love him. He always does a thorough exam, asks lots of questions, asks personal questions (he's a believer and he's trying to feel out if he can share - cool!), and he gave me drugs! Yes!
• Sadly, he also told me I cannot take the drugs until I clear it with my Dr. T, Bob the Builder. Rats.
• I asked him if going under the blanket with the Viet herbs would help and he thought it was neat I knew that and said it would absolutely help.
• So, here it is way past bedtime, and Nam is getting the pot ready for me to inhale under the tent. I love/hate that tent!
• And, i see Dr. T tomorrow so I get to ask about my eye pain.

Day 12

• Can I say I'm halfway done????? 13 days left! Woo Hoo!
• Today's wait time was ZERO because Barbara saw me in the hallway and took me back! Our conversation today was centered on my coughing. She reassured me that if I could, it will be okay because they are constantly scanning me and adjusting the Cyberknife. Whew! Cuz I am a coughing mess!
• On the table today, I thought a lot about what nonbelievers want in Jesus. In my FB stoning the other day, nobody argued with me and said "Jesus isn't real" or "Jesus isn't God" or even that Jesus wasn't a possibility. Weird. What they did seem to say was that the Jesus they want is to be understanding and accepting. So, my next thought is how understanding and accepting do they want Him to be? To understand and accept denial of His deity and His sacrifice? (of course they want that, that's why they don't like my views on other belief systems to begin with). Do they want Him to accept and understand a murderer? A rapist? A child molester? I mean, do these people not want God to be a God of justice? And, if so, where do they want Him to confine His justice to? Only to things that hurt them directly, but not things that hurt Him? At what point do they want God to draw the line? Of course, God offers a pardon for those sins to anybody who would have it - even to murderers and rapists and child molesters - but it is only through Christ, not through Him just "understanding and accepting." Who could we all trust to say where the line should be drawn - who ought to be brought to justice and who ought to just be "understood and accepted"? The only idea I can come up with is for God Himself to do this (thank Him that is the reality of how it goes). But, who do they all trust to agree upon to create these parameters?
• Another thought I had is I don't understand the acceptance of some parts of the Bible and denial of others. I mean, either we have to believe it is ALL true, or we have to say it is all rubbish. Otherwise, how do we know which to keep and which to throw out?
• Finally, the most confusing thing to me is that Islam (the centre of the discussion) is just as adamant and unmoving in their standards for Paradise as a Christian is for Heaven. They believe one must not only be Muslim, but be a practicing Muslim whose good deeds outweigh the bad in order to go to Paradise. They are very clear that all others - including the bad fire people (can't remember their name - Ji?) - will go to hell. So, why are people okay with Muslims having a clear immovable parameter, but Christians cannot? I feel like this is a really simple observation, so surely I'm missing something. Except, I'm not. And, spiritually, I do understand the persecution of Truth. But, still, in the minds of my persecutors, I don't understand how this exists: permission for one, but not the other. Especially when a main argument was that "whatever faith somebody wants to believe is okay." Apparently not - I'm not allowed to believe Christ. So, those were my thoughts on the table...
• After treatment, Jason and Barbara and I talked about how it would be possible (or impossible) to poison somebody with radiation, and how we would obtain radiation. We talked a lot about spies. It was fun!
• While I was waiting for my car, the valet guys were calling patients by name and asking if they'd see them next week, etc. Whenever the patient would say no, not til January, they would say Merry Christmas and give them a hug! They are so neat! I felt compelled to go tell their boss guy how wonderful and kind and compassionate they are. He said thank you so much and that his team really knows that people don't feel good and they hope they can be somewhat of a bright spot. Wow!
• Drove across campus to go see Dr. Timmerman.
• FIRST, I had to tell the guy I was there. Then, I saw the receptionist who is a believer. So, I told her that I had to tell her about what God did for me with our monetary gift for IVF from total strangers. She was so excited about God's glory! It was wonderful! She came out and gave me a hug. AND, the guy next to her said that he just wanted to say that that is how God is - so surprising and wonderful. It was a really neat impromptu time of praising God. I love how meeting a believer really is like meeting a family member - our hearts just connect and sing!
• I talked to a patient who was waiting there - an elderly lady. We talked about how beautiful the windows were and what a bright spot they were for that building. I think she liked the conversation.
• THEN, I went downstairs to meet with Dr. T. I checked in with a guy who needed to take my vitals. He was so pleasant! I asked him about his Christmas plans and we talked about being a teacher. He was just so nice.
• After that, I talked to the intern Dr. H - he answered most of my questions and also examined a growth on my scalp. He said it's no big deal. He also likened my brain tumor to a mole - he said it's actually the exact same thing. Mine is just problematic because of the location inside my skull that it's at.
• Dr. Timmerman came in next and was so apologetic that I had to wait for him (are you kidding? It was like 10 minutes since I'd arrived at the building and they'd paged him to say I was there!). He also apologized that I had to drive to that building instead of him coming over to me. It wasn't a business apology either - he genuinely seemed pained about it!
• We talked about my eye and he said that yes, the radiation is disturbing stuff and my pain is probably coming from swollen eye muscles. Dr. McHenry will look at the back of my eye and check it out further. He said it may get worse before it gets better, but it will be fine.
• Also got clarification that the blue light I'm seeing during radiation is really NOT a real blue light! What!?! It IS the radiation stimulating my nerve and it makes me see the blue light! Whoa! The same thing goes for the weird smell I notice during treatment.
• We talked about positrons and radiation burn off and stuff. I told him my uncle is a physicist and that we had talked about different things. Dr. Timmerman got REALLY excited and animated at this point. He wanted to talk about it forever, but I don't really understand what he's talking about after the first ten words.
• Dr. Timmerman also told me 4 times that I look great. He said I just look like I'm doing so well and I do not look like one of his patients (how they normally look)
• He asked about fatigue and I told him it is intermittent. He said he doesn't really think it's the radiation at all. He said he could radiate somebody's big toe and they complain of radiation. He said he think's that it's the disruption of routine. He said again how much people love and crave routine. Mmmmm....excellent parenting affirmation! Note to self: make sure future babies are on a routine!
• Then, I left!
• I got to pray for some of the patients I saw in passing who looked pretty awful. I really wish I was brave enough to just walk up to them and say, "Can I pray with you?" I'm open to it, just a little scared. (this from the girl who hands out tracts at the airport while I wait for Nam) That's why I love the Lord, though: He always gives us abundantly what we need to do His work.
• On a different note, our dear friends came and decorated our Christmas tree for us. wow! I lOVE having our tree up, but it is so much work to decorate it and I just haven't had the energy. (I have probably over 300 ornaments to be hung in a particular fashion.) They got it done and it is beautiful! That is such a joy to my heart. And it's a joy to have these dear friends take care of us and meet us in what we need. Oh, and they are so funny. When we told our friends about the whole FB stoning, their response was to pump their fists in joy and say, "Yay! Jewels in Heaven!" They are so cute.
• Oh, and I am STILL getting packages from all over the world from my precious sisters-in-sorrow. They lift my heart up so much with their thoughtfulness and taking the time to send me kind words and treasures. I certainly don't deserve it and they shower me anyway. I love them so!

Day 13

• OFFICIALLY half-way done! I have more days behind me than ahead of me! Woo Hoo!
• Driving was actually pretty scary today because I was in a group of big trucks and the rainwater kept spraying up so I could hardly see. Geez, I already have a blinding brain tumor; I didn't need rainwater also!
• The valet guys said, "Hi! Look who it is!" They are SO friendly!
• Rode down in the elevator with a dad and son (both adults). They seemed gloomy, so I prayed and hoped I'd get an opportunity to talk with them, but I didn't.
• I asked the lady if it's time for Raymond yet and she said she waits until right at 1 because before that is Family Guy and it's not a good show either. She's so kind and sensitive to not wanting us to sit there watching awful stuff!
• Another lady was in there - she reminded me of a young Nancy Reagan - petite and polished. So, We'll call her Nancy. Anyway, Nancy was drinking the contrast, but she was stressfully looking over files - looks like she brought her entire desk with her. I prayed for her and started to open my book, but I thought no, I came here to talk and she looks like she needs to talk. So, I made conversation with her, but she did NOT want to talk. I got the sense that she is having a really hard time right now with whatever her medical situation is. So, I prayed a lot for her and wished her luck when I left the room.
• And...ANSWERED PRAYER! I've been praying about how to talk with the radiation therapists about the Lord because I only have a 60 second walk with them. Today, Jason asked how I was doing and I said good and asked him if he'd ever read or heard of the book I was reading (The Reason for God by Tim Keller). He hadn't and I said it was a great book. Then I asked if his family was Christian. I twisted the Ray Comfort question of "do you have a Christian background", but I think I maintained the same unintimidating/non-threatening aspect. Anyway, he said yes, but then was sad and hesitated to share, that, well, his mom and his sister he didn't think they were believers, but he and his wife go to church. Cool! So, then i told him all about the book. He said he doesn't get to read much because of his kids - oh yeah, I forgot he had a brand new baby. So...then I started thinking maybe for Christmas instead of just cookies, I could find a book for him about Christ coming at Christmas that has beautiful pictures that he could spend time reading to his kids. But then, I"d have to think of an equally personal gift for Barb and Stella, and I can't think of one. So, i'll pray and see what God says. Might still just be cookies and a tract...
• Prayed a lot during radiation today for all my friends who have heartache and health concerns. Prayed a lot for my family today, too.
• After treatment, I talked to Jason some more about radiation - what it is, how to harness it/create it, and how to manipulate it. We talked about nuclear medicine, but I'm sure not very in-depth. We both just knew the "idea" of what it is. I'm fascinated that we know all of this stuff. I'm even more fascinated at a God who created all of these intricacies! Wow!
• BTW, my radiation is electrically manifested as opposed to like Gamma Ray radiation that is an actual cobalt source that is giving off radiation. Scary! The whole discussion started because I asked how long my actual treatment is and he said it's not measured in time, rather it's 2 grays. I'm sure that's now how you spell a gray.
• The valet guys were wonderful giving me car again - they always have the heater or ac on and hold the door and close me in and tell me to be careful that "it's wet out" or "lots of traffic" or whatever. They are awesome.
• I'm excited about tomorrow because...I'm going to some trivia game with my dad where they are having Biblical trivia. He asked my mom to go, but she has discipleship. So...I'm going! WooHoo! I think it will be fun and I think I have a good chance of knowing the answers. Plus, I like winning. It's not fun if I don't win, right? Anyway, praying that maybe an opportunity will even arise to share the gospel! Nam is going, too. Between the two of us, I think we've got it covered!

Day 14

• Tonight I am tired. It just hit me when I sat down. Like a mac truck. Maybe it's just the weather. Dr. Timmerman swears that there's nothing about the radiation that makes people tired; he thinks it is just the disruption in schedule. Whatever it is, I'm tired!
• Firstly, I discovered today that if I wear one of those thing little strip headbands then my hair goes from gross & dirty looking to cute & sporty girl looking. Awesome! I'm not washing my hair tomorrow either!
• Did a scan of the waiting room when i checked in then went to the bathroom. Prayed in the bathroom for God to show me who to encourage and what to say.
• There were 3 groups in the waiting room today: a lady with no hair (chemo patient) and her husband, a man by himself enthralled with the Wendy Williams show, and an elderly couple.
• I sat next to the elderly couple and started to open my book. But, instead I just closed my eyes and prayed for everybody. I really wanted to talk to the elderly couple, but I wasn't sure how to get started. Well...God took care of that one!
• Wife said something to husband about coffee, he mumbled back, and they just sat there. So, as weird as this was, I turned to them and asked did they want coffee? I'd be more than happy to get them a cup. She said no and that was it. I thought, well, crap, now what! So, I stuck my hand out and said, "Hi, I'm Kathryn." She smiled and shook my hand and told me she was Shirley. I could tell this was their first time there because they were both so anxious, so I asked if it was her first time and she said yes and told me she's there for a scan, but she'll be starting daily radiation treatment with "Dr. Robert Timmerman" at the first of the year. She has cancer somewhere in the throat/neck region - she just waved, but didn't name the location. I got to share with her how kind and compassionate the medical staff all are and that God had a special hold on her for bringing her to this place. We talked about what radiation is like, and the mask, and the machine, and the side effects. When Jason came to get me, Mrs. Shirley was so much more relaxed! Praise God! Isn't He so good!!!! Way to go, Burt! (though after this, Burt, you may leave and will be of no more help thank you!)
• Jason and I talked about Mrs. Shirley (he doesn't know her, so no HIPPA problems here, folks) on the way back. Barb came out to greet me and we all got settled in!
• I took in a Maroon 5 CD today and told Barb that I was going to listen to my old boyfriend. She thought that was funny and Jason had a weird look on his face. I told Jason it's not weird, that he was probably Barb's old boyfriend, too. She laughed and said Justin Timberlake is her forever sweetheart. Jason thought we were really weird and I told him it's not weird and his wife probably had a boyfriend before she married him, too.
• During radiation today, I prayed a lot for Mrs. Shirley and for Burt to shrink and go away and for my eye sight to come back. And, of course, always praying for special pprom and TAC ladies and their rainbows.
• Another thought I had (been having this a lot lately) is how most people I encounter are pretty wonderful (of course there are always exceptions, but for me they are far and few between). I mean, like go out of their way wonderful and kind and compassionate. Why is this? Am I simply that blessed and that's all I happen to run into? Is it that I live in Texas? Is it because people reciprocate how they're treated? Anyway, I realize how much I like going out and about because I like these random loving interactions with strangers.
• And then, STOP THE PRESSES, Jason initiated a conversation today!!!!! He usually just responds to my zany ideas. But, today, he said, "do you know who Tim Tebow is?" I knew he wanted to talk about his Christianity because why the heck would he bring up football with a girl? So, I told him yes and how much we love him. Then we talked about how awesome it is that he is firm and public with his faith despite the flack he gets. Barb came in then and asked what we were talking about - so I got to tell her about Tim Tebow. Then I said how i don't care about football at all, but it's the same as how i don't care about baseball at all either but I love Josh Hamilton for the same reason. Jason then asked if I had seen his Iamsecond video, which I have, and I got to tell Barb about the website! I am really curious to know if Jason initiated the whole thing so that I would talk to Barb about Christ! Anyway, pray with me for sharing the gospel with Christ!
• I ALSO thought, man, now I could get her a Justin Timberlake magnet or something for Christmas! hahaha That's silly, I know. But, maybe I can start a conversation with her about any books that she may or may not have read like Case for Christ or Mere Christianity - or just kindof gauge what her interest would be and I can find a book for her on it. Come on, God, I need ya to give me opportunity here and show me what to get her! Otherwise, it's cookies and tracts! (which is still great)
• Stopped in the bathroom on the way out and took a picture of my reptilian skin. I'll post it later.
• Valet guy wanted to talk to me about God today, too. He was wearing a ring with either Hebrew writing (like from James Avery) or Elf language writing (like from Lord of the Rings). I don't know which. But, after talking about my book, he wanted to tell me every song lyric he ever knew that was about God/Jesus. They weren't all flattering towards the Lord and some were downright blasphemous. I don't know why he was sharing those. Then he went on to tell me that his dad was a methodist preacher and isn't it odd for me to meet a preacher's kid? Not really....not sure why he asked that. Oh, well. He was excited that my treatment is halfway over. Praying I get more opportunities with him - again, it's only about 2 minutes of time I get.
• Another valet guy finally asked me what was always on my face - did I go in there and fall asleep. Great...that just means that they noticed my face all the time! They probably do call me Reptile Lady! I should've made up a good story about morphing from an X-men back to myself or something. haha
• One more day to go and then I'm 60% complete!

Day 15

• Fell into a coma tonight; very tired
• Today I talked with Beverly whose fiance was hit by a truck while he was on the side of the road. We got to talk about all of God's blessings along the way of his rehab.
• Jason told me that he showed Barb the Josh Hamilton testimony on I Am Second. Cool! Still praying about how to get a conversation about Christ going with Barb. She did share with me today that she used to think Chelsea Handler was great, but now she is disgusted by her. So at least that shows some sort of heart movement?
• PK Valet guy shared more classic rock Jesus lyrics with me....today he told me it helped him more than reading the Bible. He's an interesting fella...
• Went and picked up my Christmas tracts today. I'm excited to pass them out and include them with the cookies and stuff I give people.
• 3 weeks down, 2 to go! Woo Hoo!
• Oh, and at the recommendation of my aunt, I've started telling Burt what to do. I've thanked him for the opportunities he's afforded me, but told him that his purpose is over and I've told him how to respond to the radiation and to exit my body (which the doctors say won't happen, but I would like it to!). I know it sounds weird, but I've liked doing it because it helps me visualize healing and offer it up to the Lord in very specific requests. Of course I don't think I can personally cause the change, but I know that my God can if He finds it best to do so.

Day 5 million

• Darn tired. I'm getting tired faster. Went to a Christmas gathering Saturday night, and I still haven't recovered. Must slow down.
• Head hurt five hundred times worse today than ever...and had no advil with me. Ugh.
• Saw other doctor today - Dr. McHenry my neural opthamologist. He said my optic nerve is looking better...This was not expected, though definitely prayed for. Thank you, Lord.
• Tired.

Day 19?

• This week has dripped by - I simply could not lift a finger to type.
• I gave the valet guys their cookies with a bunch of tracts in there...since then the head guy has quite telling me classic rock lyrics that go against the Bible. So at least there's that. Maybe conviction of the heart has stilled his mouth? I love how Ray Comfort explains that in Way of the Master. Or, maybe he's just being polite. Or he ran out of lyrics.
• Nam has been driving me to and from this week, and I've loved that. The only problem is that I end up being more involved in talking with him or resting on his shoulder than I do about looking for opportunities to encourage people. But, I've been so tired that it's probably a good thing he's been there. Gotta refocus for next week to finish strong!
• Guess what...found the perfect book for Barb! I Am Second published a book! Yay! And I got Jason a little board book that tells the story of Christmas. I couldn't believe that out of all the billiion children's Christmas books, they only had 3 that were about Christ. And at that, the point of one was to say why we give gifts and the point of another was to say that babies are special, but didn't spell out who Jesus was. Sigh.
• House is filthy. F-I-L-T-H-Y. Poor Nam. He's tried so hard, but...well...I just keep making more messes. Then I'm too tired to clean up!
• My comas are getting longer and I'm more tired when I wake up.
• Thinking about going anywhere to do anything is exhausting.

Day 20

• Was really tired today. Nam wasn't able to drive me, but that will have to not happen again. I am now needing him every day; this is exhausting.
• Gave my little gift bag of cookies and Christmas tracts to the receptionist who minds the tellie for me and told her thank you so much for her kindness. She was surprised and delighted. Thank you, God!
• Only saw Jason and asked if he'd be my Christmas elf and distribute the other gifts. Of course he was agreeable. He really appreciated his little goodie bag and said thank you so much for the little board book about Christmas I got for he and his wife to read to their kids - he said how much his son absolutely loves books and bedtime stories. I'm so glad; I hope they read it this very night!
• The valet guys call me "Christmas Lady" now, but I'm not sure why. It's definitely not that I gave them cookies - apparently everybody does that. They are so funny.
• Since really the only driving I've done is to radiation, I've become very accustomed to my valet guys. This is not so good. When I went to the store earlier today, I parked the car and started to talk in: I had left the keys in the ignition and the car running. As if. Good grief!
• I'm also accustomed to going to the bathroom after radiation in the exact same stall. In fact, it's the only stall I've ever used. Well, today somebody was in MY stall! I seriously for like 1/2 a second almost knocked and said, "Excuse me, you're in my stall!" What the heck is wrong with me!?! It wasn't a mean thing; it was just a habit thing.
• No radiation Monday, thank God! I'm so tired!
• Thinking of all the Christmas get togethers coming up wears me out. I don't know how I'll make it all around, but I know God will sustain me - or tell me to stay home!
• Got to pray for several people in the waiting room today, but I'm too tired to list them.

Day 21

• So nice having yesterday off! But, back at it today.
• The receptionist said that the cookies I gave her were wonderful; I'm glad. I hope she got to read the tracts I gave about Christmas, too.
• Prayed for one man in the waiting area today - he was all alone. He didn't seem to feel ill, so I'm glad for that.
• Also prayed for a lady and her mother coming in as I left. I was struck by how incredibly beautiful this elderly lady was - her features were so distinct. I actually wondered if she used to be a performer or Hollywood starlet. Anyway, I think it was their first time there by the stuff they were carrying and the questions they asked. So, praying for her.
• Jason is so nice and I've come to really like our 60 second walk-and-talks. He had a good Christmas and I'm really glad for him and his family.
• Had scattered prayers and thoughts on the table today - lots of people to pray for.
• Had to go talk with oncologist after treatment today, but Dr. T is out this week, so I met with Dr. Ramsey. He was so interesting. He said three really cool things: 1) It's all up to God, 2) Dr. Timmerman is the absolute best radiation oncologist in the entire country, and 3) HE KNEW ABOUT THE TAC.
• So, the last statement bears explanation: He works mostly with the gynecological cancer patients, so he knows all about it. He said that he was really glad I had a TAC because "the tvcs [vaginal cerclages] fail". THANK YOU. Why the heck does an oncologist know this, but OBs who are delivering dead or severely premature babies won't get on board????
• Also of note today was that the nurse was reviewing my medications and allergies and they STILL don't have it correct! I give them a 5 page detailed medical history at the beginning of every new thing. The doctors love it. But every single week, they have medications I've never heard of listed as me taking, they don't have medications I am taking. They have major allergies (like, hello, I go into kidney failure if I have that drug!) listed as a "hypersensitivity" instead of an allergy.
• This is incredibly frustrating. I am my own health advocate; I call the shots and I make sure the correct information is known. WHY AM I STILL FALLING THROUGH THE CRACKS HERE? More importantly, what about the patients who don't know how to navigate the modern medical culture? Like my poor grandfather who is lying in the hospital right now with a broken femur head not being given pain medication for an entire night despite doctors' orders for him to get it?
• Please, please, please know that you do NOT have to be a doctor or a brilliant person in order to be your own health advocate! It is YOUR body, YOUR health, YOUR life - YOU get to decide what type of treatment and information you have! You do not just have to be a pinball shot through the medical machine to land wherever. And, you are a PERSON of VALUE and deserve acknowledgment, compassion, and dignity from medical staff! This is my experience 99% of the time, but I don't see it with everybody. And, I don't know if it's because of my initial approach or what. So, take no chances - make it your initial approach! This could cost your life - I can think of 3 immediate family members who passed away because they fell through the medical cracks - no other reason. Please take charge of your own health.
• And...my house is filthy. There is stuff EVERYWHERE. It is so disgusting, I am going to have to clean it in layers - not rooms, LAYERS.
• I am also getting sad about going back to work. BLEH....I love being home!

Day 22

• Tired
• Sad that Jason is taking vacation next week, so I won't get to see him on my last day. :(
• Today, the Valet guy told me, "Buckle up - show the world you care by the belt you wear."

Day 23

• Stayed up super late last night sewing Mama's birthday present! It's so great! BUT, that meant I was LATE to radiation! Yikes! I had to call Jason and tell him I was running 15 minutes behind. How embarrassing! Even worse because I know he knows it's because I stayed up late!
• They have USA Today in the waiting room and Nam reads it everyday. And he sits there and shakes his head and laughs at it. I don't know if it is an entirely liberal paper because I haven't read the whole thing, but the articles he shows me have some really dumb things in them. Could just be those particular stories are dumb. Anyway, this took up our waiting room time today.
• Admitted to Jason why I was late - so embarrassing! Oh, well. He said maybe I should start getting back on a schedule now so it won't be a jolt for going back to work. That's a good idea, but I never do that...it'll be a couple days of misery at school.
• While I was on the table today, I was thinking how could I possibly thank Jason for his kindness during my treatment. I thought maybe a gift card for him and his wife - I know what it's like to be in the family with a medical provider and it can be rough! Emotions come home, emergencies arise, long work days, etc. Plus, his wife is home with kids all day (which I know is a dream), so I'm sure she gets flustered in her heart when he has to stay later than planned. Anyway...thought maybe something adult would be good for them. So, I prayed about it on the table and asked God to show me if He wants us to do something like that for them.
• Guess what!?! quick answer! I asked Jason if they have plans for his vacation next week and he said it's his wife's birthday and they are going to a fancy restaurant they have a gift card to, but the gift card doesn't cover the whole thing so they are going to lunch (cheaper) and will have to pay the rest. Then, since both grandmothers are here, they may go out to a movie (not Muppets - they need grown-up stuff. He said they are full of The Wiggles and Yo Gaba Gaba all day). He's a pretty funny guy. Anyway...took that as a confirmation from God that the idea is as good one! So, a little gift card just for some dessert will do the trick. I hope his wife likes it and knows how much of an impact her hubby makes in his patients' stress levels.
• Valet guy didn't talk to me today, though he talked to Nam before I got out there. Nam can't remember what they discussed...he said maybe the weather. What a guy.
• I also realised that I'm going to be sad when my treatment is over! WOW! What a God thing! Who could take having to go to radiation every day for a brain tumor and turn it into something joyful? Only the Lord! I'm not going to miss dealing with Burt, of course...but I'm going to miss my little drive out there - it's nice. I'll miss my valet buddies, the receptionist, seeing the other patients and praying for them and encouraging them. I'll miss my walk-and-talks with the RTs. And, really, being on the table has become a pretty darn good prayer and relaxation time. Plus, this has been such a neat time to spend with my husband the past couple of weeks. So, again, WOW, way to go, Lord!

Day 24

• Well, my head valet guy is on vacation! I didn't even get to say bye to him! Darn! But, the other kid is heading it up and he's awesome. Nam is going to hook him up withe one of his buddies who owns valet companies and get him additional work. I love my husband!
• Waiting room was quiet today, but there was an older couple in there with really weird socks. This man in his 70s was wearing striped fluorescent colored socks that look like they should be on a tweenager! They were both very engaged in their newspaper.
• An older man came in with a cane and his daughter. He seemed very tired and was complaining of all the xrays they've done on him. I prayed for him to have physical healing and a peace in his heart. Also prayed for his daughter to not be frustrated or have anxiety over watching her dad be upset. Caretakers are so often overlooked!
• I got to see Barb today! Yay! I didn't think I'd see her again. She thanked me for the book and said she'd read some of it! Cool!!!! Glad she got to go home to Nebraska for Christmas. I hope she had a good time. I wonder if she notices a culture difference. I don't know how long she's been in Texas, though...
• Nam came out and thanked Jason and Barb for their care for me and making me at east and comfortable. Told them how much he really appreciated it. I love him. He's such a standup guy with a heart like the Lord's! He always sings that song "Give me your eyes, so I can see" and I always think how he's already got them!
• On the table today, I had to pee so bad! I almost had to wave my hand around for them to stop the machine, but then I heard it whoosh really fast, which means that I'm almost done. But I couldn't wait to gather my stuff either; I had to bolt it to the bathroom. It was tortuous!
• Sad that it was my last day with Jason AND Barb! Man! I know it's so dorky, but I called them after and told them to FB me so we could stay in touch. That probably violates some ethical something or other, but they are so great and I am awesome, so it'd be nice to stay in touch!
• I'd really like to go into the medical field one day (yes, I know I say this all the time for the past five million years). Found out from my cousin this week that UTA has an online nursing school. I could totally do that. But, do I want nursing? Of course I'd love to be a doctor and I'm plenty smart enough, but I don't really want to go to school that long right now. Respiratory therapist? They don't deal with the south end, so that's nice. Nam said if I go back and need to take my sciences over again (of course I would) that he'd audit and do it with me. How fun! I'd totally kick his butt! Anyway, always thinking...

Day 25

• All over with, Folks! Wasn't God good!?!
• Nam shared job info with his favorite valet guys. I hope it works out for them!
• In the waiting room, I gave little cards with notes of encouragement to patients I've prayed for the whole time - they weren't there, so I gave them to the receptionist. I gave one to her, too. She's so kind!
• I had a whole new RT today named Haley - never met her before, but she was very nice.
• Even though I went pee before therapy, about halfway through, I had to go again. Yikes! I tried waving my hand around (though I have to keep it down by my side so it doesn't get radiated), but she never saw it. I thought my bladder was going to explode - plus, it gets really painful with my cerclage. So, once she came in and took my mask off, I had to bolt to the bathroom in just my socks!
• Then, I saw Stella. She told me that was it, but I said I wanted to ask Dr. T a few last questions - so over to the Moncrief Building I went. I gave a thank you card to the receptionists at the front desk, too, because they are so wonderful.
• They took just my vitals today - no nursing assessment. Good.
• Then I had to wait forever. After 40 minutes, I went out and asked if Dr. T even knew I was waiting for him. They said they didn't know, but they'd page him. Really?
• Awhile later, Dr. T came in. He congratulated me on being done. That was nice. He seemed very enthusiastic for me.
• I got to ask him my questions. A couple of important things:

1. I need follow up every 3 months for the first year and a half. Then it goes down to 6 months and then yearly after 3 years. I must have follow up for at least 10 years, though they'd like to follow me forever. (I think that's for them, though, not for me)
2. He does not want me moving overseas (like, no mission work) until my follow ups are spaced out yearly. And, then, I must come back to the U.S. for my follow-ups. He said having the Chinese doctors evaluate me would be like comparing apples and oranges. I thought that was pretty interesting.
3. He said we can start trying to conceive in March! Woo Hoo! He's not basing it on any study, but just intuition. If there was catastrophic damage to my eggs from scatter radiation, then too bad, so sad. No babies. If there was just subtle damage, then there is the possibility that the eggs could repair themselves. He said all of that is "theoretical" but just wait a couple of months.

• Then, gave Dr. T a thank you card and that's it!
• Follow up with my neuro opthamologist Dr. McHenry every month and I'll see Dr. T in 3 months for an MRI.
• He said he doesn't think I'm a "ticking time bomb" and the goal of his treatment was to stop Burt from growing and preserve my right eye's vision and he thinks we've done it and I don't have to deal with this anymore the rest of my life.
• To see my concluding thoughts, please read "Final Reflections: Radiation"

A Joyful Thanksgiving

I want to share a Thanksgiving blessing with you.

As many of you know, on Thanksgiving Day 2010, I delivered my twin sons and they both passed away within hours of each other. Needless to say, this week has been looming on my heart for some time. Besides losing my sons, the weight of infertility still presses on me. And, to top it all off, I have a brain tumor preventing me from pursuing any further fertility treatments until my radiation is complete.

It’s been a rough year.

As usual, God has shown up in my life in an incredible way. This is nothing short of a miracle, and I hope it fills your heart with His goodness:

I attend a monthly infertility support group at my doctor’s office in Fort Worth. Though I’m not pursuing fertility treatment at this time, I continue to go to the meetings for encouragement and to exchange medical info.

Last Monday, I went to the monthly meeting and met a new girl. I introduced myself as ‘Kathryn,’ and it was halfway through the meeting before she exclaimed, “Are you Katie, Courtney’s friend!?!” She had heard my story before and we talked and talked – mostly about medical things – and exchanged contact information so I could send her some medication information.

Later that night, my new friend called me and said she was so glad to meet me and that meeting me had given she and her husband direction they’d been waiting on. Weird – I didn’t share that much medical info! She said they had something they wanted to give us, and that it was urgent they give it that night.

Hesitantly, I gave her our address in Arlington and they set off from Keller (a LONG drive).

They arrived about an hour later and we met just inside our front door. She explained how she’d been given this gift for infertility and knew when she received it that it was, indeed, for infertility, but also knew it was not for her. They’d been waiting for God to tell them who to pass it on to. When she met me that night, she knew God wanted this for us. When her husband heard of her meeting me, he also was convicted.

Then, they gave us an extremely large sum of money.

I could write an entire theological treatise on all the thoughts and emotions that happened over the next few days, but suffice it to say we learned about God’s grace. Though we certainly didn’t deserve the money, He was giving it to us anyway!

The coolest part about this isn’t the money. Yes, we are broke and in debt from previous medical bills. Yes, we have had to scramble to put together money to pay for my radiation and to cover the paycheck I’ll be losing. But, God has provided for all of that.

The coolest part – and what I’m incredibly thankful for – is that God saw my heart. Just the day before at church, I’d been crying with my friends saying how I felt forgotten by God…that the delay without future direction was so hard. I knew that God was there, of course, but I was just feeling so heartbroken. The very next day, He reached through a stranger and sent us a message: He has
not forgotten us; He has a plan for us, and He will provide everything we need.
El Roi, the God who sees me, is why I am thankful this season. To be such an insignificant part of eternity and have the God of all creation see right into my heart and respond to my need of hope – wow.

This Thanksgiving is still wrought with grief for me, but I am also refreshed by the generosity of a stranger and the comforting touch of my Father.

A Joyful Thanksgiving to all of you.


PS – I got an email from my new friend on Saturday. Two things: The person who
gave her the money shared that she really didn't think my benefactor needed the
money, but felt so convicted by God to give it anyway - they both believe God really intended this all along! Secondly, my friend's insurance company
contacted her after she gave me the money and told her they’d over charged her
on a bill and were refunding her money. Of course, it was about the same amount
of money that she’d given me. God is good – funny – and good.

Adoption

I'd like to take a minute and make a few points about Nam and me and adoption.

Firstly, I hope that you know more than anything in the world, Nam and I want what the Lord wants. We seek Him daily and ask for Him to guide us in all things. He always has and we trust that He will continue to do so. We study God's word daily, we are part of other groups that study God's word, we have intimate friendships with others to keep us in check specifically on who we are, we seek wise counsel when we have tough decisions, and we share our lives openly with a local church. We are ALWAYS examining our hearts and double checking what we hear the Lord telling us. Rest assured...God is talking and we ARE listening!

Secondly, this includes seeking God about adoption. We have now been on a fertility journey for over 3 years. OF COURSE we have prayed about adoption. OF COURSE we are open to any way at all that God wants to bring us children. And while we have looked into the various ways of adopting, several agencies, and spoken to our friends who have adopted, we simply do not feel God leading us in that direction right now. Not to say that He won't in the future, but that just isn't where He's taking us today.

Thirdly, I don't want anybody to think that adopted kids are somehow less valuable than biological children. Suggesting that we turn to adoption only because we can't have our own children somehow labels those adopted children as sub par. They are not! They are incredibly precious and valuable regardless of their DNA roots! Adopted children are NOT a consolation prize for infertile couples! While this may be obvious to you, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many people we encounter do not understand this! It used to be that even adoption agencies wanted to be assured that adopting couples were NOT going to have biological children!

Finally, many people have suggested to us that we pursue adoption because there are a lot of kids who need good parents. WE AGREE! Please please do not think that just because you are able to have your own biological children that this precludes you from adopting! There ARE a lot of kids who DO need good parents...maybe even you! So, just as Nam and I seek God in all things including adoption, we ask that you pray and consider and seek God on whether or not He would bless your family with adoption!

Looking forward to being a mommy and daddy...whether to my own birthed children, or to a precious heart God has reserved just for us!

Isaac & Samuel

Dear friends and family,
As most of you know, after years of infertility and an early miscarriage in June, the Nguyen family was blessed with the conception of twins in August. The pregnancy was riddled with illness and bedrest from the beginning, but our joy was never subdued! Sadly, on November 22 at 16 weeks pregnant, we experienced preterm premature rupture of membranes (pPROM) with our little Baby A. During the ER and specialist visits, we learned that our babies were little boys and that hope for their survival was slim. On bedrest, we prayed and researched and prayed some more. On Wednesday, November 24, labor began and we made a sad journey to the hospital. By Wednesday evening, Baby A had delivered and passed away. His brother held on a few more hours, but by Thanksgiving morning, Baby B, too, was gone.
The past couple of months were incredibly difficult. We have been unsure how to navigate through our grief, how to hang on to our marriage, how to continue teaching young people, how to delight in other people’s children, and how to still love a God that chose to not sustain life. Wanting to still love God does not come from us being super-spiritual beings with some incredible faith; it’s that we know the alternative is unbearable. We have both had previous tragedy in our life that we experienced apart from God and we know the jaded, hardened hearts that grow from that. Besides that, we wanted to learn from our sons’ short lives that their death would not be in vain.
And, God has been faithful. He has sent His children to love us and care for us much the same as He sent the ravens to feed Elijah. The Holy Spirit Himself has filled us with His peace and done the impossible of soaking up our hurt each time it surfaces. To be sure, Satan has been around, too. He has used others to hurt us through insensitivity and outlandish statements. He has whispered the seductive lies of “what if” about medical things. He has brought to mind the vivid physical memory of delivery over and over. He has tried to drive a wedge in our marriage over our differences in grieving and processing. He has tried to plant lies about God failing us.
One of the big ways that Satan showed up was in the idea of naming our sons. Our hearts were pulled to the idea of naming them because we felt like we needed to validate their existence – a lie! And, sending the two boy names we’ve had for years to the grave pulled us far away from God into the muck and the mire. We also know that our sons already have their eternal names from God Himself. So, we resisted. And Satan attacked more. We approached the Lord and asked Him to intervene, to show us what He would have us do. He has. After much thought and prayer, we have decided to name our sons. However, we wanted to use names that pointed not to our sadness, but to the living hope we have in our God. Thwarting Satan’s plan of pulling us down with choosing names that point up is one of our greatest spiritual victories! Our sons, Isaac and Samuel Nguyen, are certainly some of the most loved and prayed for babies in all of history, and we want to share with you why we chose their particular names.
May their story impact you to consider your own relationship with the Lord.



Isaac Nguyen Samuel Nguyen
24 November 2010 25 November 2010





Isaac
In the Old Testament, Isaac was the son of Abraham. Abraham and his wife Sarah could not conceive a child for many, many years. God kept promising offspring to them, but they just couldn’t see how it would happen. At one point, they became impatient and Abraham lay with his wife’s maidservant and produced Ishmael…but that was not the offspring God had spoken of; that was not the fulfillment of God’s promise! He continued to share His promise with the couple, even sending angels to tell them. Sarah laughed as an old woman when they told Abraham that she would have a child within the year. How impossible and ridiculous for an old, barren woman to conceive and birth a child! Yet, the point here is not the physical ability of Sarah and Abraham, but the power, authority, faithfulness, and love of God! Sure enough, within the year, Isaac was born to an aged, barren couple! This is significant to us for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we prayed and prayed to know if God wanted us to have children. We asked Him to fan the flame or take away the desire in our hearts so that we would know His will. Every time we prayed – for over a year – the Lord would answer, strongly convicting us to pursue children. Every time we would ask if He intended for us to be parents, the desire in our hearts would grow stronger and deeper. Many places in our journals we can point to specific times we knew God was telling us that He would satisfy our desire for children: a desire born of Him. In the months of considering IVF/ICSI, there was debate in our marriage over what God would have us do. Would He have us wait for a miracle to a genetic issue? That would surely be our Isaac. Or, if we pursued fertility treatments, would we be surpassing God’s intentions and creating an Ishmael? After lengthy prayer, counsel, and study in the Bible, God was very clear what His intentions were for us: the point, once again, was not physical condition; rather it was the fact that God is the Creator of all life, regardless of the mechanism He chooses to employ. Walking in His will and waiting on Him to fulfill His promise would always bring an Isaac. Immediately, you can see one reason we chose Isaac: we share Abraham and Sarah’s longing, the promise they had from God, and God’s faithfulness to provide a child.
When Isaac was a boy, God commanded Abraham to take him up the mountain and offer him as a sacrifice. As astounding as this is to readers, we cannot imagine the sheer terror Abraham felt at this command! How would he ever be able to sacrifice the object of such affection and the fulfillment of decades of desire? Yet, this was the Lord’s point: who, Abraham, do you love most? What, Abraham, are you willing to let go of to serve your God? While we certainly did not make a choice to give up our sons physically, we most definitely have had – and continue – to make a choice to give him up emotionally. Cocooning inside our hurt and grief over losing our sons is appealing, comforting in a way. We have the choice to hang on to it, to nurse it, to let Satan inflate it. And, sometimes, we want to cling to that so fiercely! Yet, that is not who we commit to be in this life, nor do we truly want to live in that pit of despair forever. We long ago committed to be followers of Christ, willing to give up everything to do His will and to relate to Him intimately. If we keep this grief and this hurt, we are refusing God’s command to give Him everything. We are allowing a barrier between us and our Lord. And, we do not obey to be pious or good or rewarded. We obey because we so love our God that we want nothing between us and Him. We know that through obedience, He refines us, makes us righteous and holy, and turns our grief into joy. Therefore, just as Abraham obeyed his Father, so do we. Again, our experiential understanding of Abraham makes Isaac a fitting choice for our son.
The final reason we chose Isaac is because of his stress. When Abraham took Isaac up on the mountain, Isaac asked his father where the sacrifice would come from. He knew something was off. Though the Bible doesn’t tell us of Isaac’s reaction to Abraham binding him to the altar or holding a knife over him, we can only imagine that Isaac must have felt some distress. And so did our son Isaac. On Monday, Isaac’s protective membrane was lost. He was still in my womb, but no longer protected from bumps and bruises or infection. He was no longer able to develop or be sustained by me. Our little boy was in distress for two and a half days before his misery ended with a tumultuous delivery. While we begged for God to wrestle for our Isaac’s life as he did with Abraham, that was not to be.
We do not have an answer for our son’s suffering. We do not have an answer for why this evil was allowed. But we do know that our God promises to turn it into good. We do know that He is using it to refine us. We do trust in God’s eternal plan and we cannot wait for redemption when it is our turn to skip through death. Just as Abraham’s Isaac went on to be used by the Lord in many ways, we pray that our little Isaac would prick your heart for eternity. We do know that eternity with God is at the heart of His plan and pray that you will be there with us and Isaac.
Samuel
Again in the Old Testament, God had a wonderful servant called Hannah. Hannah loved her husband so and desperately wanted a child. To make matters worse, she was ridiculed by others that she had no children. Her own husband was confounded by her longing, wishing that he was enough for her, for he also loved her deeply. A time came when Hannah was so overcome with her grief of empty arms that she cried out to the Lord with a massive display of emotion, weeping bitterly and publicly. During this anguish, Hannah told the Lord that if He would only give her a child, she would turn the child over to Him for the priesthood. The priest Eli thought she was drunk and rebuked her for such behavior! When Hannah shared that she was not drunk, but a woman deeply troubled, Eli blessed her and asked that her desire be granted. The Lord heard Hannah’s plea and Samuel was born. True to her word, when Samuel was merely weaned, Hannah handed him over to Eli to be raised in the priesthood. Clearly, we relate to the anguish Hannah had in her heart over wanting a child. And, any of you that remotely know us, know that we have already committed to raising our children for the Lord. We view ourselves much like Hannah – a caregiver and steward of God’s creation as He works His own plans with each child. One of our favorite parts of Samuel’s life happens when he is a boy living with Eli:
1 The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions. 2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. 3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the LORD, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.” 5 And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down. 6 Again the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”
“My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD: The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him. 8 A third time the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

Our Samuel is Baby B. While Isaac suffered in distress for days, Samuel did not. From the time my water broke with Samuel to his homecoming was a mere hour. He did not suffer from infection, bumps and bruises, or lack of development and sustenance. It was as if our son heard God calling him and knew immediately to respond, “Speak, for your servant is listening!” The Lord called our son Samuel home, and Samuel wasted no time in obeying His creator. Though we are sad at the abbreviated nature of time with our son, our joy in God’s faithfulness echoes Hannah’s proclamation of the truthfulness of God’s word. It is to this we cling:
“My heart rejoices in the LORD;
in the LORD my horn is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.
2 “There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.
3 “Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the LORD is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.
4 “The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.

6 “The LORD brings death and makes alive;
he brings down to the grave and raises up.
7 The LORD sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.
8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
“For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s;
on them he has set the world.
9 He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,
but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.
“It is not by strength that one prevails;
10 those who oppose the LORD will be broken.
The Most High will thunder from heaven;
the LORD will judge the ends of the earth.
“He will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed.”

Hannah’s Samuel became a great prophet of the Lord. God used him with His people over and over again, proving that God’s word is true and will never fail. We pray that our Samuel can have just as mighty of an impact on your hearts, highlighting the truth of God’s word that you see in our lives through his short time here. For our God is faithful, His word stands and will never perish. He is trustworthy and worthy of our praise, even in our darkest moments. It is the God of Hannah and Samuel that takes our grief and changes our mourning into dancing. And because of our little Samuel’s place in eternity right now, the music already plays in our hearts. If you ask God, He will let you hear the music and set you dancing, too.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being a part of God’s plan for us. Your prayers, cards, phone calls, emails, meals, books, hugs, listening, crying, and gracious allowances are the net our Father wove to keep us from falling. Losing our long-awaited children was totally beyond our comprehension, but God is proving faithful that His blessings are, too! Our trust and love for God has never been so strong. Our marriage is more intimate and united than we ever dreamed any marriage could be. We are growing leaps and bounds in our obedience. Our compassion has increased tenfold. God is changing our hearts to love others beyond the capacity we thought possible. It is our sincerest desire to serve God, sharing His Truth, and letting Him work through us to change people’s eternities. We ask for your continued prayer that He would not give up on us, that He would refine us further, that He would use us mightily in our community, that He would give us clear direction in how to follow Him, and…that He would still bring us children to raise for His glory. How great is our God that He ordained all of us being here together and intersecting at this event to comfort one another and glorify Him? Praise be to the Lord our God forever and ever!
Some resources that have helped us in our grieving:
• 1 Peter & The Pentatauch – shows us God’s purpose for our suffering, how He can refine us, and gives an intimate picture of who He is and how He loves us.

• The Blessings of Brokenness by Charles F. Stanley – offers an eternal perspective on suffering that helps train your eyes to be peeled for God’s hand

• I Will Carry You by Angie Smith – the journey of Todd & Angie Smith carrying their little girl Audrey who they were told would die immediately at birth. They had two blessed hours with her before she passed and a lifetime of wisdom and encouragement to share with others.

• Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg – a devotional/journal highlighting specific encounters with grief that help pull out and process the hidden pain and hand it off to the Lord

• Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis – mostly helpful in a medical sense and a comfort of other women’s actual statements concerning neonatal loss. There is addressing of grief, but as it is not a wholly Christian perspective, we found that part to be of a somewhat limited use for us.

• Strong and Tender: A Guide for the Father Whose Baby Has Died by Pat Schwiebert – validates the forgotten father and offers insights into men dealing with grief while still wanting to be the strong husband.

• How to Listen to God by Charles F. Stanley – illustrates how to draw close to the Lord, removing obstacles and increasing intimacy.
For you to consider medically…
Cervical Insufficiency (CI) is considered a silent killer. The cervix is what closes during pregnancy and opens during labor to deliver the baby. In some women, there may be anatomical abnormalities or damage from previous surgeries (including D&Cs).
When CI occurs, doctors may recommend a type of vaginal stitch called a transvaginal cerclage (TVC). The intent is to sew closed the bottom of the cervix, disallowing delivery. The TVC may be placed prophylactically (as prevention) or as a salvage (rescue) stitch and will then be removed to allow a vaginal delivery. Unfortunately, the TVCs have a high risk of infection, generally require bedrest (sometimes in an upside down position!), do not disallow funneling (which can cause pPROM) and FAIL 25% of the time. In the 75% of the time that they are successful, 40% of those babies are born prematurely.
Another option that is not widely discussed is a transabdominal cerclage (TAC). This also closes the cervix shut, but does so at the top of the organ. This can be placed pre- or post-conception. However, this stitch requires abdominal surgery and is permanent. Women with a TAC must always deliver via c-section. The TAC does not require bedrest to combat CI, will not wick up infection, disallows funneling and has a success rate of >97% for delivering TERM babies.
Most doctors will not recommend a TAC until there is proven clinical evidence of CI – generally gleaned from multiple 2nd trimester losses. However, there is a growing cohort of doctors who understand and are experienced in dealing with the TAC, and they are willing to discuss this option. Specifically, seek out Dr. Haney in Chicago and Dr. Davis in New Jersey.
Check out www.abbyloopers.org (and http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Abbyloopers/) for more information...follow all the links. Check out http://www.kanalen.org/prom/. Find the group Transabdominal Cerclage on FB. Check out the blogs "A Heart in the Clouds" and http://tacbaby.blogspot.com/. Read up on Dr. Haney at the University of Chicago Medical Center. Insist on your ob referring you to a maternal-fetal monitoring (MFM) doctor to discuss this if you are at risk.
We truly hope that our own loss will bring light to a little-known procedure and your family will be untouched by this particular grief. Please pass on this info to any couple you think may need it!

Let It Count…
All of our sorrow and all of our joy would be for nothing if it didn’t go to Eternity. You know that we are Christians. This does not mean that we just go to a social place once a week or follow a strict set of rules. Being a Christian means that we follow Christ. We seek for Him to highlight our imperfections (sin) and then we allow Him to change us. Being a Christian also means that we allow God to use us as His vessel – to work through us to touch the lives of others. We pray that the transparency of our struggle and the joy of our sons will touch you in a way that makes you pause and consider your own relationship with God.
Perhaps some of you are also believers, but you have strayed from God. Or, maybe you have come to a saving faith, but not yet submitted to God as Lord over your life. We urge you to turn away from your sin, confess your inadequacies to the Lord, and ask Him to change you. When life seems peachy, you are still missing out on His glory. And, of course, when life turns sour, you will need an intimate relationship with the Lord to be carried through. We highly recommend a little book called How On Earth Can I Be Spiritual by Dr. Sumner Wemp. You can find used copies on amazon, buy a new one from sumnerwemp.com, or contact us and we will be happy to send you one.
Some of you are not yet believers, and we pray desperately for this to be the beginning of a whole new eternity for you. The bottom line is that there is a God. One God. The God of the Bible. He created you for one purpose: to have a loving relationship with Him. He created you with free will so that you can CHOOSE to love him. Sadly, all of us fall short of this and choose to be less than perfect. There is not one among us who is without sin.
Think for a moment about any of the ten commandments. Take the commandment about not stealing. Be completely truthful here. Have you ever stolen anything? Even the smallest little thing? Or how about bearing false witness against our neighbor? Ever tell a fib against a childhood friend? This means you have broken the law. You are a sinner according to God’s standards. As such, you are imperfect and cannot be in the presence of a perfect God. (And who would want a God that is NOT perfect!?!) You cannot be in His presence now to relate to Him, nor can you be in His presence in eternity. Sadly, eternity is the final deal and all of us who are imperfect will spend an eternity apart from God in Hell. That is a rather undesirable place to spend forever.
But God is all-knowing and all-loving. He knew that we would be an imperfect people. And, He made a way for us to relate to Him even in the face of sin. That way is Jesus Christ. God came to the earth, took on a human form, lived a perfect life, and was crucified for the purpose of taking on all sin – past, present, and future – and obliterating it. He paid the ransom for the sin with His (temporary) death. Jesus rose from the dead on the third day, thus proving He really is God.
To take away the blockade sin causes in relating to God, you must only ask the Lord to let His payment count for you. Tell Him sincerely in your heart that you understand you are imperfect, that He is perfect and paid the price, and will He please forgive you personally and make you into a new creature who can relate to Him. That’s it. There is absolutely no work for you to do, no payment for you to make – you couldn’t give enough of it anyway. The only requirement for God’s grace and love is that you want it and you ask Him for it. He gives it not on the basis of who you are or what you’ve done, but on the basis of who He is and what He has done.
Your eternity will be totally different, as will your life, if you make this move. You will still be a sinner until death, but you will get to relate intimately to a Father who loves you until He finally perfects you at death. It is a difficult moment to see the truth of who we are, but oh, how the rewards of having a loving God reside in your heart trumps all of that moment forever and ever.
While this is a simple sharing of a very simple message, we realize many of you have some specific hang-ups on buying into this idea of God. We urge you to pray the same prayer we did in college: “God, if you are real, show me. Show me who you are and why you matter.” That was the beginning of the end for both of us! We can also recommend many books for you to look at. Immediately, we would point you to The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. And, if the potential cost is your eternity, isn’t it worth checking out a book or two?
Please, please consider our lives, Isaac’s life, Samuel’s life, and then your own. What do you want it to be about? What will you let it count for?
Prayerful that you can dance with our family in Heaven,
Nam & Katie

BLING!

Wife: Will you pray about getting my wedding ring repaired and cleaned?
Husband: Okay, but I don't think we can. I'll see what the Lord says.

3 weeks pass.

...Wife: I've prayed about it, and the Lord quenched that desire. It's okay.
Husband: I've prayed about it, and the Lord gave me a green light on a lot more.

Wife now has a brand new blingin' diamond in her ring!